By Claire Holland Sept. 24, 2018   Hello, first years! We’re going to start the year with an important lesson: Contrary to what others may tell you, the goal of O-Week is not…

By Nico Aldape Nov. 25, 2016 The current state of our capitalist system is dire. We need everyoneall people we can to turn back the rising tide of the neo-fascist, white supremacist bourgeoisie.…

By Zachary Spitz Oct. 16, 2015 To finalize the Trans-Pacific Partnership, President Barack Obama married Prime Minister Shinzo Abe of Japan in a ceremony in Atlanta this week.The historic partnership is the culmination…

By Robert Zimmer Nov. 9, 2013 Hello, students! With finals looming just around the corner, I suspect many of you are beginning to feel anxious and overwhelmed. You may be wondering, “Am I…

By Cyrus Pacht April 20, 2018 I am a paragon of heterosexuality, or so my fraternity tells me. I’ve ogled girls since the third grade, and once—surpassing many a UChicago male—ventured to speak…

By Marlin Figgins Oct. 12, 2016 First –year Jameson A. Delaney, who requested to be called by his stage name “Jay D- Lane”, is now releasing his first single, which is based on…

By Morgan Pantuck May 26, 2015 According to insider reports, 35-year old Gregory Sheppard, who recently dined at an Olive Garden restaurant with his girlfriend, experienced intense feelings of regret and loss when…

By Chris Deakin May 27, 2013 Hundreds of students are signing up for newly opened social website “Bang At Anywhere Else.” Bangatanywhereelse.com offers University of Chicago students the opportunity to find willing “bang…

By Deb Mukherjee Oct. 17, 2017 Following the lead of our peer, and also lesser news outlets (Buttfeed), the Shady Dealer has decided to pivot entirely to video. It is our feeling that…

By Ryan Fleishman May 14, 2016 After a 5-year-long struggle against prostate cancer, University of Chicago hieroglyphics expert Canute Erickson finally overcame his often lethal illness. However, he wasgot hit by a red…