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Handy Rationalizations for Not Filling Out a Work Order
By Jack Toole Oct. 13, 2016 Winter, the season of indiscriminate central heating, is almost upon us. A stuck window can make this unfortunate period immeasurably worse, heating your room to within a…
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For First Time, More Graduates Expected to Cry at Graduation than Parents
By Evan Bernstein May 26, 2015 According to a study newly released study from by the Polsky Center for Entrepreneurship and Innovation at the University of Chicago, the bulk of the crying at…
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Immortal Nietzsche Pretty Hyped About Space Travel
By Zachary Augustine May 27, 2013 CAPE CANAVERAL, FL – Your favorite punk philosopher is “super pumped” to board the space shuttle, sources confirm. Nietzsche, best known for defeating God in a “fisticuffs…
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An Examination Of The University’s Newest Alternate Reality Game: B.S.
By Milena Pross Oct. 17, 2017 Upon arriving on campus this O-Week, first-year students were thrust into a magical fantasyland without their knowledge. Following years of planning, buckets of money, and countless tests…
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Mansueto Pregnant
By Morgan Pantuck May 14, 2016 The University is extremely pleased to announce that the Mansueto Library is currently expecting her first child. Rumors have been circulating for some time about Manseuto’s “[baby]…
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This is the Loneliest I’ve Ever Felt
By A Particle, Ten Nanoseconds after the Big Bang Feb. 1, 2015 Breakups are hard. One moment you’re sitting comfortably in a singularity with the particles you love. And the next you’re cast…
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Alexander: Great Ruler or Greatest Ruler
By Alexander the Great Feb. 4, 2013 Author’s Note: Alexander the Great apologizes in advance for the following display of enthusiasm – he is writing on his favorite topic, after all. What is…
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Dean Ellison Screams as Scav Participants Rip out His Still-Beating Heart
By Dan Lastres May 15, 2017 Dean Ellison Screams as Scav Participants Rip out his Still-beating Heart Mother’s Day Weekend took a turn for the worse on Sundayaturday evening, as Scav participants jumped…
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The University of Chicago Systematically Discriminates Against the Moronic
By Juan Caicedo Feb. 19, 2016 Western society already trails a long litany of discrimination behind it, including racism, homophobia, and misogyny. But so far one form of discrimination has been left out:…
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GPA Fellates Student
By Pseudonym Nov. 16, 2014 Sources confirm that student Giles Froman received fellatio from his grade point average on the second floor of Max Palevksy Residential College last Friday night. Though there were…
