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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Discreet Mathematics Course To Be Held at 3 A.M. in Undisclosed Parking Garage

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Reed Thurston May 25, 2018 According to anonymous sources within the University’s Math department, a new listing has been added to the graduate-level course catalogue for the autumn quarter of 2018. It…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    OMG Christmas and Hanukkah are going to be on the same day!

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Adam Lowinger Nov. 10, 2016 Point: I am so excited to for Hanukkah’s 1st night to be Christmas this year. The last time the two coincided was in 1959, and it won’t…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Alpha Phi Omega

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Shady Dealer Aug. 1, 2015 Ever wanted to be in a frat without the booze? The Peace Corps without the credit? Boy Scouts without the fire? JOIN ALPHA PHI OMEGA! Focus on…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Tips For Your First Call Home

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Steph Yu Aug. 2, 2013 So you’ve finally flown the coop and driven ten minutes/flown across the country/flown across the world to receive a top-notch education at the University of Chicago. Remember…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Why I Only Eat Non-GMO Ass

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Megan Parsons Feb. 20, 2018 If you’re a smart shopper, you already know why it’s important to eat organic, free-range ass without additives or artificial preservatives. Personally, I like my ass without…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Op-Ed: I’m Already Annoyed by My Roomate’s Laugh Track

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By David North Aug. 1, 2016 I’ve been sharing a studio apartment with Todd Henderson for a couple of weeks now. I am writing this op-ed to recount my experiences living in this…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Area Father Not Ready to Give Up on Windows XP

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Dan Lastres March 1, 2015 Expressing his affection for the operating system’s utilitarian design and simplistic color scheme, local father Milton Ford told reporters that he’s sticking with Windows XP for the…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Dean Boyer to challenge the Gods

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Mark Boykin Feb. 24, 2013 John W. Boyer, Dean of the College at The University of Chicago, has challenged every major and minor deity who exerts influence over natural phenomena to a…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    5 Things You CAN Stare at directly

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nik Varley Aug. 23, 2017 The Solar Eclipse has come and gone, which means that you can go back to staring at anything for as long as you want! Here are our…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    New Off-Ocean Program Brings Whales to UChicago

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Jacob Johnson April 23, 2016 DueAnnouncing to a new shared initiative between the SHAMU (Society for Humans Meeting Animal Undergraduates) University of Chicago and the Marine Biological Lab in Woods Hole Massachusetts,Saint…

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  • This Snake Oil Stuff Is So Good! Really Delicious You Should Try It I’m Climbing The Walls
  • Five Romantic Poets Who Definitely Fucked Your Wife
  • SSRIs Cure Great Depression
  • Say It With Me: Zero-Hours Contract is the Best Contract!
  • Automated Bobbin-Changing Equipment Threatens Job Security of 9-Year-Olds
  • Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg
  • Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”

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