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Maroon.Space adds Story Feature
By Thomas Noriega April 9, 2017 DUE BY APRIL 20THMaroon.Space adds Story FeatureBy Thomas Noriega The University of Chicago’s hot new matchmaking service, Maroon.Space, has provided students with a brand-new way to meet…
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University Completes 80-Year Burton-Judson Hyphenation Project
By Thomas Noriega March 2, 2017 In a university-first eventFor the first time in the In a university-first event, our oldest south-side dorm has been hyphenated from the ground-up. After the runaway successes…
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Six Things Every Schoolchild Should Know Before We Send Them To The Mines
By Rudolf Steiner, 1907 Feb. 6, 2017 Kids these days have all sorts of fun in school, but are they really learning enough to prepare them for a life of coal? I’m Rudolf…
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Bronze Dagger 6S Officially Revealed
By Adam Lowinger Feb. 1, 2017 At a bonfire gathering yesterday, a representative of Pomegranate Caravan unveiled the design for the new Bronze Dagger 6Ss. The gathering showed off the weapon’s new features:…
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“There’s No Money for a Living Wage,” Announces Zimmer from $30 Million Dollar Francis and Rose Yuen Center in Hong Kong
By Chase Harrison Jan. 17, 2017 With his voice echoing through the 70 foot tall glass ceiling of the lobby of the Francis and Rose Yuen Center, UChicago President Robert Zimmer announced that…
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Kellogg’s “Rasputin-O’s” Not Selling So Well in Russia
By Nico Aldape Nov. 25, 2016 In an attempt to remain a global and healthy cereal brand, Kellogg’s introduced “Rasputin-O’s” in Russia. While expecting the cereal to be a nutritious and delicious hit…
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University Administration Announces New Bullshit, Half Thought-Out Change With No Prior Consultation
By Philip O’Sullivan Nov. 14, 2016 On October 27, 2016, Dean John “Jay” Ellison, Dean of Students in the College, announced his administration’s exciting new bbullshit, half– thought– out changes with noout prior…
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Five Reasons Why Air Bud Deserved to win Bob Dylan’s Nobel Prize
By Antonia Salisbury Nov. 7, 2016 4. Air Bud is a philanthropist: Sure Bob Dylan has worked with six major, international charities, but boy was Josh Framm a piece of work. I mean,…
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What Do You Mean You Didn’t Like My Indian Chief Costume?
By Dean Ellison Oct. 13, 2016 Ok, you Millennials make NO sense. After the whole kerfuffle with the letter this summer, the College Advisors told me I had to improve my approval rating…
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University Administration Announces Exciting Series of Publicity Stunts
By Nico Aldape Oct. 9, 2016 In a move that has caught students, professors, and society by complete surprise, the University of Chicago Administration has announced an exciting series of publicity stunts. “These…
