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Everyone Has a Price. Mine Is Three Pickles.
By Marlin Figgins Dec. 8, 2016 I remember my first day in economics. The professor, who shall not be named for anonymity’s sake, went into his first lecture of the year beginning ,s.…
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Number Without Units Hilarious
By Morgan Pantuck Oct. 19, 2015 Persons close to the situation report that a dimensionless number that was just spoken aloud by area woman Christina Wilkins is, indeed, hilarious. The figure was uttered…
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Final Exam more of a Beginning, says Asshole Professor
By Evan Bernstein Nov. 9, 2013 “Don’t think of it as a final,” were Professor Walt Neilson’s first words to his class Tuesday morning. “The term ‘final’ characterizes tomorrow’s exam as some kind…
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Columbian Exposition Artifacts the Obama Center Doesn’t Want You To Know About
By Ella Hester April 20, 2018 Historians are rejoicing while the Obamas are gasping in horror! As the Obama Presidential Center and Library gears up to break ground, archaeologists have found many relics…
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Handy Rationalizations for Not Filling Out a Work Order
By Jack Toole Oct. 13, 2016 Winter, the season of indiscriminate central heating, is almost upon us. A stuck window can make this unfortunate period immeasurably worse, heating your room to within a…
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For First Time, More Graduates Expected to Cry at Graduation than Parents
By Evan Bernstein May 26, 2015 According to a study newly released study from by the Polsky Center for Entrepreneurship and Innovation at the University of Chicago, the bulk of the crying at…
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Immortal Nietzsche Pretty Hyped About Space Travel
By Zachary Augustine May 27, 2013 CAPE CANAVERAL, FL – Your favorite punk philosopher is “super pumped” to board the space shuttle, sources confirm. Nietzsche, best known for defeating God in a “fisticuffs…
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An Examination Of The University’s Newest Alternate Reality Game: B.S.
By Milena Pross Oct. 17, 2017 Upon arriving on campus this O-Week, first-year students were thrust into a magical fantasyland without their knowledge. Following years of planning, buckets of money, and countless tests…
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Mansueto Pregnant
By Morgan Pantuck May 14, 2016 The University is extremely pleased to announce that the Mansueto Library is currently expecting her first child. Rumors have been circulating for some time about Manseuto’s “[baby]…
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This is the Loneliest I’ve Ever Felt
By A Particle, Ten Nanoseconds after the Big Bang Feb. 1, 2015 Breakups are hard. One moment you’re sitting comfortably in a singularity with the particles you love. And the next you’re cast…
