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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Swedish Teens Not Very Excited About Swedish Beatles

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Chris Deakin Feb. 1, 2015 In what comes as surprising news for record executives and music critics alike, the young people of Sweden have not responded to the Swedish Beatles with the…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Persons and Materials of Middling Importance in 1897

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Chris Deakin Feb. 4, 2013 H.W. Peckwell: Journeyman wood engraver for Scribner’s Magazine, principally of trains. The Curt Billy-Whale Lighthouse and Public House, on Shefhouzen Island Joseph Misen: invented the Beard Ellusifier,…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    UC Leaks: University Plans to Build Literal “Information Superhighway” across the Midway

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Elijah Wolter Aug. 17, 2017 A report contained in the documents outlines plans for the construction of a 115-acre state-of-the-art telecommunications complex stretching from Cottage Grove Ave. to Lake Michigan. It did…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Trump Defends New Mustache

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Morgan Pantuck March 1, 2016 Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump shocked reporters earlier this week by appearing in public with his facial hair trimmed into a toothbrush style, shaved sharply at the…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Maid In China

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Isaac Krone Nov. 16, 2014 According to recent reports, area bachelor Aziz Ruffalo’s cleaning woman is currently on vacation in the People’s Republic of China. Ana Vikernes, the maid in question, is…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Counterpoint: No guys, seriously, I’m the antichrist

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Ricky Stewart Oct. 21, 2012 If you’ve been following the news at all since President Obama took office, you’ve probably heard the rumors about how he’s a Muslim Antichrist sent from Kenya…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    “Opposition to Safe Spaces Not a Fundraising Ploy,” says Zimmer at Opening of New $150M Institute for Free Speech

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Sue Donim March 8, 2017 “Opposition to Safe Spaces Not a Fundraising Ploy,” says Zimmer at Opening of New $150m Institute for Free Speech Jeremy Kidman CHICAGO — The University’s new Institute…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Taking the Next Step Devolves into All-Out Fuckfest

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nik Varley Jan. 11, 2016 Employees of the office of career advancement were surprised this Thursday when their Taking the Next Step seminar devolved into an all– out fuckfest. Students, faculty, and…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    I’m So Pumped for Scab Hunt

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Morgan Pantuck April 20, 2014 When I applied to college, I toured a lot of impressive campuses. But UChicago was different. More exciting, somehow. Initially, I loved the intellectual atmosphere and “quirky”…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Into Bad Boys? Then Check out Todd: The Guy Who Throws Paper Towels All over the Fucking Ground in Harper

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Diego Mansplane Nov. 2, 2018 Tired of always making your friends and family proud? Does your love life need a little danger? Then allow us to introduce you to Todd: the guy…

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Read It and Weep

  • Karoline Leavitt to respond to CNN journalists with yo mama jokes
  • President Alivisatos found drunk at frat party after US news report
  • Secretary of War Pete Hegseth Announces New Military Uniform Deal
  • Top 5 Places for Dads to Sulk During O Week
  • Societie of Loyale British Subjekts Seen Counter-Protesting “No Kings” Rally
  • Northwestern University Kidnaps Phil the Phoenix as “Revenge” for US News Ranking
  • Top 10 Places to Cry on Campus
  • House Council Begs First Years to Carry On Legacy
  • First Year accidentally goes to bed before 3 AM, profusely apologizes
  • Op-Ed: My mom had one Tylenol, my dad is circumsized, and I really like trains

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