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Catholic Church Condemns Stem Cells as Tree Demons
By Marlin Figgins Dec. 8, 2016 The Pope himself, in a grand battle to win back many souls of Catholics everywhere, (especially Long Island, New York), announced that stem cells are not the…
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Math Major Has Nothing Left to Prove
By Alek Binion Oct. 19, 2015 On October 1, 2015, it was confirmed that Todd Smith, a fourth-year Mathematics major at the University of Chicago, has nothing left to prove. The University of…
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Poll Results: Half of All First Years Still Anxious about Pooping at School
By Kelly Keough Nov. 9, 2013 A poll conducted by University of Chicago Campus and Student Life has revealed that 50 percent of the incoming Class of 2017 still experiences anxiety over pooping…
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Ask Grorg
By Grorg – Lascaux, 45,000 BCE May 1, 2018 Dear Grorg, Me Want Relationship, But Only Man Around Is Neanderthal. Still hit? From: Cavewoman Seeking Caveman Hello Cavewoman, As somebody who have Neanderthal…
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This Church is Loud Enough That You Can Probably Fart Without Anyone Noticing
By Nik Varley Oct. 14, 2016 Sources confirmed this morning there is enough ambient noise in St. Mary’s Episcopal church to mask the noise of the fart you are currently holding in. They…
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What’s Better Than A Vaccine?
By Willamina Groething May 26, 2015 In a recent study conducted by some mommybloggers you know personally and definitely trust, 374 items were tested, and these 15 were found to be objectively better…
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Surprising Findings: UCMC Doctor Recommends Laughter as Best Medicine for Erectile Dysfunction
By Walker King May 27, 2013 University of Chicago Hospital urologist Dr. Travis Bartman publicized his latest paper today, telling reporters that laughter is truly the best medicine for patients suffering erectile dysfunction.Bartman…
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Dean Ellison Is Always Naked Under His Clothes and I Hate It
By Concerned Reader Oct. 18, 2017 I wish to call your attention to a horrific fact. John “Jay” Ellison, Dean of Students at the University of Chicago, is naked under his clothes. Let…
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Fuckboy Quits Scav After Failing to Find Clitoris
By Jacob Johnson May 14, 2016 After four long days of searching high and low for every item on the Sscav Hunt list (no matter how bizarre), local fuckboyi Ryan “Swag” Firmanratman was…
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Man Drinks Milk of Another Creature
By Willamina Groething Feb. 1, 2015 5900 B.C.E. Sources confirmed Monday that Craig Mueller of Dærie, Northern Albijnea, drank the milk of his cow Buttercup early last week. Local authorities were alerted to…
