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Editors in Chief

Griffin Bonnin Jones, Andrea Zhou

Managing Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Deputy Managing Editor

Vivian Psylos

Layout Editor

Justin Bilenker

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Nik Ochoa, Chase Teichholz

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Let’s Network Together

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Diane Zimmerman April 22, 2016 I am an ambitious young professional, and I think I could learn a lot from networking with you. I want to show you that I am an…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    “You Like This” Says Salad Eater to Self

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Becky Stoner Nov. 18, 2014 A quiet murmur was heard this Tuesday around 12:17 pm in Bartlett Dining Hall. “You like this,” said second-year May House resident and reluctant salad eater Zoe…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Cyclists on Quad: “We just can’t get off our bikes”

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Chris Deakin Nov. 7, 2012 A survey of Hyde Park bicycle riders released Friday has found that the majority are unable to get off of their bikes once they have entered the…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Markets in Disarray as Snapchat Shares Disappear After Ten Seconds

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Christopher Walker March 26, 2017 NEW YORK –This Friday, iInvestors were sent into a panic panicked on Friday when it was discovered that all purchased shares of Snap, Inc (SNAP) disappear from…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Greek Students Claim Rome Appropriating Culture

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Liam Coles, 146 BCE Jan. 22, 2016 ATHENS, 146 BCE– Just this week students at the Lyceum in Athens began protesting Rome’s appropriation of Greek culture. Over CC students put down their…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Fashion Scientists Search for New Black Substitute

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Isaac Krone May 13, 2014 The clothing industry is in tumult today as its best and brightest minds desperately seekh for what analysts call the “new black.” This coveted resource, arguably the…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Security Alert and Other Musings

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Antonia Salisbury Nov. 2, 2018 Associate Vice President for Safety & Security, Eric M. Heath, and his lesser known, but equally influential twin brother, Erin N. Heath, are opponents within the world…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Breaking: Pi Beta Phi Sacrifices Pledge in Satanic Arrowfest Ritual

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nik Varley Jan. 27, 2017 Mandel Hall – 9:30 P.M. Following reports of screams, chaos, and general unrest at Mandel Hall, eyewitnesses have confirmed that the sisters of Pi Beta Phi began…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Bong Miraculously Lasts Eight Nights

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Evan Gorstein and Hillel Steinmetz Nov. 11, 2015 It was quite the miracle. UChicago sSecond-year undergraduate Judah Greenberg’s novelty bong remained lit for eight nights in a row, finally going out on…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    President Shot; Lincoln, Theatre Dead

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Maximilian Rochester, Theatre Critic (April 15, 1865) Jan. 24, 2014 Americans across our great union are mourning today for the loss of a strong and noble leader who has carried us through…

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Read It and Weep

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  • Everyone Saw You Press “No Tip”
  • Study Reveals 90% of Group Project Work Done by One Sad Student
  • Bartlett to Follow Agriculture Department Advice: Meals to Feature Tortilla, Broccoli, and Maybe Chicken
  • Parents Befriend Student’s Least Favorite Professor During Model Class
  • Trump to fire all Via drivers amid government shutdown
  • CTA Transit Bill Stalls Over Whether Chartreuse or Magenta Is Better Name for Line
  • Point: I Want a Situationship / Counterpoint: I Think I’m in Love with Her
  • I only know Jeffrey, WHO THE FUCK IS MARK EPSTEIN?
  • 6 moral systems that say it’s okay for me to work for Raytheon

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