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Party Review: Obscure Fraternity Misses the Mark
By Cambria Whitcomb April 25, 2013 The brothers of the University of Chicago’s Sampi Quoppa Stigma (ϡϘϛ) recently hosted a gathering at Regents Park. Unlike many fraternity houses, Regents Park offers entertaining space…
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Growing Student Movement Demands University Divest from John D. Rockefeller’s Oil-Suffused Corpse
By Thomas Noriega Oct. 17, 2017 The previous week saw the first major demonstration by student action group, “Maroons Against Oil Corpse,”Corpse-Oil”, a new movement demanding that the university invest in renewable power…
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Malia Obama receives Honorary University of Chicago Degree to Counteract Harvard Admittance
By Adam Lowinger May 13, 2016 In response to the Nnews that President Barack Obama’s eEldest daughter, Malia, will be attending Harvard after taking a gap year, the University of Chicago has decided…
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Classified: Artist Seeks Torture
By Dan Lastres Dec. 31, 2014 Classified: Artist Seeks Torture Aspiring artist with privileged upbringing seeks malevolent acts to inspire creative works. Applicants can expect to Humiliate me in public Point…
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How are you wasting your New Year’s Eve?
By Daniel Moattar Jan. 3, 2013 How are YOU wasting your New Year’s Eve? 21% Reconciling day’s debauchery with resolutions, image of self as human being 17% Pretending to have any…
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Trump Surprises Pence, Awards him Presidential Chastity-Belt of Freedom
By Dan Lastres April 21, 2017 Trump Surprises Pence, awards him Presidential Chastity-Belt of Freedom The White House – On Tuesday evening, President Trump surprised Vice President Mike Pence by awarding him the…
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Dean Ellison Spends Romantic Valentine’s Day Answering Emails from Risk Management
By Walker King Feb. 15, 2016 John “Jay” Ellison, Dean of Students in the College at the University of Chicago, spent a romantic and relaxing Valentine’s Day alone in his office, primarily responding…
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Therapy Dogs Wracked with “Feelings of Inadequacy” upon Arrival at UChicago
By Si Squires-Kasten Oct. 23, 2014 A report released Thursday by the University’s Health Promotion and Wellness department confirmed that several puppies brought onto campus as part of the Pet Love program have…
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Forget Kuvia: Here are 8 Easy Ways to Get a Free T-Shirt on Campus
By Sam Nitkin Jan. 21, 2019 6:00 am. Tuesday, January 15, 2019. A couple hundred students rise before the sun and shuffle into Henry Crown Field House to do suspiciously cult-like “sun salutations.”…
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President Lincoln assassinated after drafting the 1865 edition of the Gay Agenda
By Marlin Figgins Feb. 6, 2017 President Abraham Lincoln was shot and killed today during a production of “The Rocky Horror Picture Show”. The assassin’s motives are, as of now, unknown, but he…
