Conservative political commentator Candace Owens revealed on Thursday that the spirit of Charlie Kirk had appeared to her over Christmas and journeyed through her mind like the Ghost of Christmas Past in Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol. 

Owens says she was doing her nightly ritual of vomiting to the sound of RuPaul’s Drag Race season 9 when Kirk appeared above the toilet bowl, halting any further expulsion. The late activist quickly explained to Owens that the “third eye” capabilities connecting them in the realm of the living had extended into the Great After.

Owens claims Kirk took her through the formative moments of her childhood, including the first time she “curb stomped the hoo-hah” out of a transgender classmate at eight and her first kiss with a local Reddit moderator at seventeen. However, Owens also stressed that Kirk had brought darker tidings: He told her that Nancy Pelosi had infiltrated Heaven, killed God, and doomed all Republicans and white South Africans to make Tumblr furry porn for all eternity.

When asked by the Shady Dealer how it was possible for the notoriously dead Kirk to interact with a living woman, Owens scoffed and called the Dealer “fake and gay.” The American socialite Erika Kirk, however, recounted how Owens and Kirk had discussed their powers at great length during their visits. The two could often be heard humming at low frequencies together, which Mrs. Kirk noted often frightened their dog, Hazel. 

In a video posted on X, Owens opened up about Kirk’s connection to the spiritual realm: “Charlie and I spoke a lot about his third eye… He spoke about the streetlamps that would go off when he would run, about the special school that he had to go to,” said Owens in this real and actual video. No, seriously, look it up.

Renaldo Crayola Stapletush the Six Seventh

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