Econ Professor: University Could “Fix Deficit” by Repossessing Free Orientation T-Shirts

You’re not a real UChicago first-year if you didn’t end O-Week with at least five T-shirts that you’ll never wear. But that all could change if the University follows the controversial advice of economics professor Macon D. Niro. 

The University’s current policy follows the pedagogical practices of Deena Polycot, the famous British educator who believed that no one can successfully remember any event in their lives unless they receive a T-shirt commemorating it. Niro, however, questions this assumption 

“You’ll remember this interview even if I don’t give you a T-shirt, won’t you? So the whole T-shirt business boils down to an unnecessary expense,” said Niro, thoughtfully stroking his bust of Milton Friedman. “According to my estimates, the University is spending $1.2 billion on customized T-shirts. If the University wants to fix its deficit, it should repossess all those O-Week shirts and resell them at a markup.”

First-year Sarah Shilling, comically early to Niro’s office hours, supports the idea: “I mean, I have shirts from my class year, my house, my Pre-O, my dining hall, an RSO I never interacted with again, a party I left after five minutes, a random professor who cornered me and lectured me about Foucault for half an hour…And the worst part is, as much as I tell myself I’m not going to wear them, I do! I spend so much on laundry.”

At this, Niro’s hand stopped mid-stroke, his eyes darting up like a pair of startled squirrels on the Quad. “Laundry?…Oh, very clever. I see what they’re doing. I see… Very clever.… ha ha. Ha ha ha…” As Niro dissolved into a fit of maniacal laughter, this reporter quietly crept out of his office.