Point: I would love you if you turned into a worm/Counterpoint: I would not love you if you turned into a worm

Point: I would love you if you turned into a worm

I have promised my heart to you through thick and thin, the highs and lows. I have told you during many moonlit nights that I would love you in any form—and I’m pretty sure that includes you turning into a worm. 

It’d be a little harder to wax poetic about you, but I’m sure I’d manage. I can see myself talking about your new pinkish color and your perfectly sized rings.

In the mornings, I’d cut fresh leaves for you. I’d refill your water and give you the best fertilizer. I’d even refrain from performing any knife experiments to see if you’d multiply. 

You hold my heart and my everlasting love. Of course, this’d be a different story if you turned into a cockroach…

Counterpoint: I would not love you if you turned into a worm

I’m sorry. The wedding vows do not include a provision for turning into a worm. And no, before you say anything, being a worm is not the same as being sick. 

Look. I married a human. I did not marry a worm. In the same vein, I expect to stay married to a human and not a worm.

If you turned into a worm, you’d be dead to me. You’d be lucky if I dumped you in the dirt outside rather than chopping you into pieces or chucking you through the window.

I’d file divorce papers immediately. And as a final token of my love, I’d even make the font size small enough for you to read.

Now, if you turned into a cockroach on the other hand…