Catholic Family Realizes They’re Nation’s Last Practitioners of the Advent Wreath; Experts Confirm the Three Kings Are “Not Coming, Don’t Wait Up”

In a shocking discovery that has rocked exactly one household, the Del Toro family are the final Americans remaining who still light Advent candles at home, making them the nation’s sole defenders against the total collapse of liturgical seasonal decor. 

“We thought everyone still did it,” said matriarch Maria Del Toro, carefully arranging three purple candles and one pink candle in preparation for the weekly arguments about who gets to light them, “You know, Advent? The reason for the season? The weekly flames? Turns out all the neighbors thought our table centerpiece was a fire hazard.”

“Advent candles held strong through the 1980s, but the rise of LED Christmas villages and aggressively secular ‘holiday countdown calendars’ wiped them out,” explained Dr. Henry Carmichael, liturgical expert at the Chicago Theological Seminary. “The Del Toros are a living fossil. Like a Roman Catholic Megalodon.”

The blow hit harder following this year’s update from the Vatican: The Three Kings will once again not be arriving at the Del Toro household on Epiphany.

“We’ve been told to expect shipping delays, supply chain issues, or possibly for the Magi to simply decide Los Angeles traffic isn’t worth it,” said father Juan Del Toro, who will still leave a shoe in the window on January 4th “just in case.”

Meanwhile, neighbors remain confused. “I thought they were doing a weekly candlelit séance,” said next-door resident and self-identified spiritual-but-not-religious guy Parker Greene. “Sometimes they sing. Sometimes they argue about which candle comes when. I figured it was a seasonal ritual to summon good vibes.”

Despite the challenges, the Del Toros vow to continue their tradition. 

“Even if we are the last,” Maria said, lighting the first purple candle with the solemnity of a woman trying not to burn her knuckles, “Advent means preparing a place for hope, peace, joy, and love. And also explaining to our kids every year that the Three Kings are symbolic, not literal houseguests who forgot our address.”

In related news, Amazon has reported a sudden spike in searches for “What is Advent?” “Why one pink candle?” and “Three Kings Uber ETA.”