Top 5 Places for Dads to Sulk During O Week
Orientation Week (O-Week) has come and gone, not unlike a high school boyfriend, and has prompted, much like a high school boyfriend, an extraordinary level of fatherly sulking. As a completely non-non-judgmental observer and recent mover-inner (mover-innie?), here is my list of the top five most popular, peculiar, and paternal places for dads to sulk during O-Week:
5: The small, horrible, upholstered chair in every dorm room
Who says sulking needs to be done alone? Now everyone gets to share in the tense aura your dad is bringing to move-in. Is he directly in everyone’s way by stuffing his adult man body into a crappy Ikea loveseat? Yes. Should he be helping in some way, any way? Of course. Does your mom, who’s been singlehandedly running your move-in, deserve a break? You betcha! But, he’s the head of the family, at least in the seething department, and the dude’s got an example to set.
4: Any goddamn dining hall, because “at least something here is fucking free”
You will rue the day your visitor meal swipes run out and your dad goes sicko mode on the credit card reader while making statements about how you’re getting a paid internship next summer, because if you got into UChicago, “you should be able to figure that out, Einstein.”
3: A Random-Ass Bench™
I don’t know if I was the only student who felt personally victimized by Eduroam failing to work on move-in day, but I think my parents’ 25-year marriage almost ended when my mom suggested cellular data. I mean, it isn’t my mom’s, dad’s, or even the current UChicago administration’s fault that my dorm has the same reception as a CIA black site. But he did need to wander off and sit on a Random-Ass Bench™.
2: Whichever bar is most geographically close to main campus
Fathers, rejoice! The Pub officially reopened on September 15th, and they are stocked with sad dad brands from all the USA’s capitals of depression: St. Louis’ Budweiser, Boston’s Sam Adams, and of course, Chicago’s own Old Style. Google’s AI summary may say that “Alcohol is not an effective solution for sadness,” but Generative AI never anticipated a father’s state after three solidly packed days of seeing his life savings go into orientation swag and absolutely nowhere else.
1: The family reception after convocation
After the dust has settled, and the light hors d’oeuvres have been distributed, it is inevitable that your dad has chilled out a bit and accepted this crazy little place called UChicago. To an outsider like himself, it’s scary and foreign, but a journey you are undoubtedly prepared for. And that’s something he’s spent your whole life helping you do, even if you both weren’t totally aware of it at the time.
Oh… but then he remembers you’re going to have to be a White Sox fan now, and the cycle of sulking begins anew!
