Waitlisted Students Rejoice! Five First-Years Have Gone Missing in the MSI Mirror Maze

Hope is a powerful thing, and for hundreds of waitlisted UChicago students, it has just taken on a  shiny, new, disorienting form. Following the mysterious disappearance of five first-years within the Museum of Science and Industry’s famous mirror maze, waitlisted students are experiencing what can only be described as cautious jubilation. 

The first-years, whose identities have been withheld by the University out of respect for their presumed existence, were last seen attempting to “find themselves” during an orientation field trip. Sources close to the students say the quintet was known for their exceptional academic performance, inexhaustible supply of QuizBowl answers, and a shared inability to navigate basic physical spaces despite their Mensa memberships and combined IQ of 777.

“It’s tragic, of course,” said Dean of Admissions Jim Nondorf, his eyes darting nervously around his office, as if checking for reflections of unseen students. “We are deeply concerned for our missing first-years, who we increasingly fear may be forever lost to the glass. However, we’ve also seen a record number of waitlisted students suddenly become ‘deeply, deeply interested’ in our Core curriculum. It’s a testament to the UChicago spirit of inquiry, even in the face of adversity.”

For many waitlisted applicants, the news is a welcome turn of events. “I’d pretty much given up,” confessed Sarah Chen, a waitlisted applicant from California’s Bay Area. “Then I saw the headline, and a single tear of pure opportunistic joy rolled down my cheek. I’ve already started a group chat with other waitlisted kids. We’ve named it ‘The Replacements.’ Get it, because—yeah. Yeah. Haha.”

Campus security, in collaboration with MSI staff, has initiated a search and rescue operation. However, progress has been slow. “It’s a really complex system of mirrors,” explained one weary, slightly distorted security guard, wiping his brow. “Every time we think we’ve found one of them, it turns out to be just a reflection of ourselves, looking lost and a little bit sad. Mirrors are hard. They don’t tell you that, but mirrors are hard.”

The University has assured the public that they are doing everything they can, including calling out the students’ GPAs and SAT scores in the hopes that they might be lured out by the sound of intellectual validation. However, museum-goers have also reported seeing a handful of waitlisted students furtively dropping banana peels throughout the maze in an apparent attempt to further prevent the missing students’ escape.

As the search continues, so does the anticipation among waitlisted students. They wait, poised and ready, their Common Application essays polished and their letters of continued interest on standby, hoping that the University of Chicago also believes that everyone is replaceable.