Crazy New Party Drug Also Good for Surgery

March 30, 1832

MANCHESTER—Recently, local apothecaries have been experimenting with something one might recognize from the latest in the tavern scene, the sweet oil of vitriol. This substance, now known as ether, was originally known for its euphoric, blithe-inducing properties that made peasants go wild at the function. However, recent discoveries indicate that it is also pretty good at making people unconscious for surgery. While previous methods of managing pain during procedures have involved strapping patients to gurneys so they can’t run away, having them bite into chunks of willow bark, and showing patients drawings of themselves surrounded by comely barmaids in the afterlife, this new discovery will hopefully make the occasional brain surgery a bit easier on physicians and patients alike. 

“I can say for a fact that this amputation went way better than the last one,” says Anthelm Blumg, one of the first experimental patients. “Last time, I was in so much pain that at one point I just jumped up from the operating table and started beating the shit out of the doctor. This time, I didn’t feel a thing! It was cool to learn that my weekend vice is good in some contexts. Kinda makes you think. It’s symbolic like that.” 

The Dealer was able to speak to his physician, who was sporting two black eyes. “Yeah, he wasn’t conscious for this recent surgery,” said Dr. Felbert Brooke, “But he beat the shit out of me anyway when he woke up. I think he just does that for fun. It’s cool about this ether stuff, though. I guess.”