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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Griffin Bonnin Jones, Andrea Zhou

Managing Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Deputy Managing Editor

Vivian Psylos

Layout Editor

Justin Bilenker

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Nik Ochoa, Chase Teichholz

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Historical Issue

    They wouldn’t let me into the Donner party and I am IRATE

    Chicago Shady Dealer / July 29, 2025

    Out of spite, I wish that the Donner party encounters mild difficulties in their travels.

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  • Historical Issue

    Crazy New Party Drug Also Good for Surgery

    Chicago Shady Dealer / July 26, 2025

    While previous methods of managing pain during procedures have involved strapping patients to gurneys so they can’t run away, having them bite into chunks of willow bark, and showing patients drawings of themselves…

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    5 Tips to Make Sure You’re the King’s Top Mistress

    Chicago Shady Dealer / July 24, 2025

    "1. Powder your nose: There’s nothing hotter than a woman with a really white, powdery nose."

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    Simone De Beauvoir Cancels Long-Awaited Sequel The Third Sex

    Chicago Shady Dealer / July 20, 2025

    De Beauvoir’s fans were particularly excited for this book, as this would be a fitting end to de Beauvoir’s Sex trilogy. 

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    Union Army Morale Skyrockets After President Lincoln’s Stunning Kazoo Solo

    Chicago Shady Dealer / July 16, 2025

    “You need my support, but I cannot give it with words. Your efforts transcend words. And thus, I have brought something else here, to reinvigorate this battleground.” 

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  • Historical Issue

    New Whig Political Party Objectively Has Stupidest Name

    Chicago Shady Dealer / July 15, 2025

    The sound is entirely too breathy, and the affection is not sufficiently stately enough for a grand party of these four-and-twenty states of America!

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    This Snake Oil Stuff Is So Good! Really Delicious You Should Try It I’m Climbing The Walls

    Chicago Shady Dealer / July 11, 2025

    My cough is entirely gone, but I am having a bit of trouble seeing the newspaper. The paper boy got me right between the eyes and I just kind of stood there for…

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  • Historical Issue

    Five Romantic Poets Who Definitely Fucked Your Wife

    Chicago Shady Dealer / July 9, 2025

    Lord Byron swears he wrote “She Walks In Beauty” about your wife three years before ever meeting her.

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  • Historical Issue

    SSRIs Cure Great Depression

    Chicago Shady Dealer / July 5, 2025

    “The problem is that everyone is sad,” said Council for International Economists chairman John Maynard Keynes. “If everyone were happy, people would buy stuff and the economy would be good. But everyone is…

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  • Historical Issue

    Say It With Me: Zero-Hours Contract is the Best Contract!

    Chicago Shady Dealer / July 3, 2025

    Every morning, you all crowd down to Canary Wharf to look for work, and often, you are offered a job. And what a job it is! Unburdened by skill, or artisanship, you can…

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 Older Posts

Read It and Weep

  • Econ Professor: University Could “Fix Deficit” by Repossessing Free Orientation T-Shirts
  • In sharp response to ICE aggression, Democrats write extremely angry letter
  • Student to Test Limits of Regenstein’s “Snacks but No Meals” Policy
  • Student killed by Roommate’s Anthropomorphic Lamp
  • The Three Sub-Schools of UChicago
  • Bowls of Adderall Labeled “Don’t Do It ;)” Found Across Campus
  • Trump creates “Random Gender Generator” to replace X markers on passports
  • Point: I would love you if you turned into a worm/Counterpoint: I would not love you if you turned into a worm
  • Top Five Foods to Try… Er, Tables to Visit at the Study Abroad Fair
  • Alphabet Ct De to Bdget Crisis

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