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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Griffin Bonnin Jones, Andrea Zhou

Managing Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Deputy Managing Editor

Vivian Psylos

Layout Editor

Justin Bilenker

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Nik Ochoa, Chase Teichholz

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Politics

    Update: President Trump Places 35% Tariff on Water; Aquaman Responds

    Chase Teichholz / June 4, 2025

    Economists were befuddled, given that there is no known trade between Atlantis and the United States. In fact, the U.S. is still unsure exactly where Atlantis is.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Oops! Your Participation Grade Is Actually 99%, and You’ve Barely Gone to Class! 5 Tips to Gaslight Your Instructor

    Pauline Singer / June 3, 2025

    The soon-to-be defunded research and development team of the Shady Dealer is here with some helpful advice to save your grade! Please use these tips responsibly and under no circumstances tell anyone where…

    read more
Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

  • Econ Professor: University Could “Fix Deficit” by Repossessing Free Orientation T-Shirts
  • In sharp response to ICE aggression, Democrats write extremely angry letter
  • Student to Test Limits of Regenstein’s “Snacks but No Meals” Policy
  • Student killed by Roommate’s Anthropomorphic Lamp
  • The Three Sub-Schools of UChicago
  • Bowls of Adderall Labeled “Don’t Do It ;)” Found Across Campus
  • Trump creates “Random Gender Generator” to replace X markers on passports
  • Point: I would love you if you turned into a worm/Counterpoint: I would not love you if you turned into a worm
  • Top Five Foods to Try… Er, Tables to Visit at the Study Abroad Fair
  • Alphabet Ct De to Bdget Crisis

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