Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”

March 19, 1796

NEW YORK– Alexander Hamilton, Founding Father and one of the chief architects behind the Federalist Papers, responded to the Broadway musical about him and his life today.

“What the fuck is this?” Hamilton said. We at The Dealer will spare you the next few sentences, as we had to fill Mr. Hamilton in on two centuries of race, immigration, and gender progress. Suffice it to say, Hamilton was bewildered by the diversity of the cast and had some interesting things to say about it. 

Once he got past that, he had some questions: “Why a musical? I’m a serious historical figure, and you guys are just dancing around the stage rapping. Oh dear, please tell me you didn’t include the affair… oh yes, yes you did. 

“And why is so much of it about the Schuylers? The musical is called Hamilton, for Christ’s sake. If you’re going to do whatever the hell this is, at least let it be about me! Why is King George in it? That tyrannical bastard, and you guys just have him sing about oppressing us. What’s next? Did you guys bring Pol Pot in too?”

When asked how he, a man who died in 1804, knew who Pol Pot was, Hamilton replied simply,  “We all have our secrets,” before winking and disappearing into the night.