Citizen App Provides Notice About Hyde Park Crimes: Dog Poop on Sidewalk, Premarital Handholding

This Wednesday was a dark day in Hyde Park’s history. According to Darlene Fitzwilliam, a representative of the security app Citizen, Hyde Park’s crime rate skyrocketed by over 1000%. The wave of crime started off early in the morning when Joe Cronut spilled his hot coffee outside of the Dunkin’ Donuts on 53rd street.

“I’m just so grateful that the Citizen app notified me,” Bradley Gourd, a third-year student at UChicago, said in an interview. “I was about to go to Dunkin’ Donuts that morning and to think my feet could have been burned. I have an IM squash game this week!”

Just minutes later, residents were alerted to an even more serious crime when Philip and Todd, a gay squirrel couple known to frequent campus, scratched a small section of the alumni tent. Thanks to the Citizen App’s prompt notifications, the STAT 234 midterm in nearby Eckhart Hall was cancelled, saving students from witnessing the carnage. University President Paul Alivisatos did not respond to a request for comment.

Throughout the day, Hyde Park residents were notified of further incidents such as “group of preteens in park,” “car playing rap music,” and “student 3 minutes late to return charger to Regenstein Tech Bar.”

“I’m not sure it’s safe to go out anymore,” said Elizabeth, a first-year student who only wished to be referred to by her first name. “I had to skip all my classes on Wednesday because I saw an alert about dog poop on the sidewalk outside of IHouse- I really think we should consider switching to Zoom classes while this crime wave is going on.”

Fitzwilliam is assuring Hyde Park residents that the Citizen App takes their safety seriously. “We know so many crimes are still going undetected, and we are working on implementing new technology to detect incidents of jaywalking and premarital handholding. We hope to send out more alerts about these types of crimes soon.”

However, there is a catch—these upgrades and more frequent alerts are only available to paid subscribers of the Citizen App. When asked if she had any advice for students, Fitzwilliam said “Upgrade to Citizen Plus now. Crime in Hyde Park is on the rise, and you need these alerts to keep yourselves safe.”

Joshua Beep III, a second-year, agreed with this sentiment, saying he feels much safer now that he has upgraded. “I used to walk outside every day. I had no idea how many crimes were going on around me. Now I stay inside my dorm all day thanks to the Citizen Plus notifications.”

Citizen is available for download on the App store and the Google Play Store.