Update: President Trump Places 35% Tariff on Water; Aquaman Responds
After a meeting in late March, in which President Trump introduced the prospect of purchasing or annexing the ocean-nation of Atlantis, the two sovereign powers were on thin ice. Discussions ended without true resolution when Arthur Curry, better known as Aquaman, summoned a seahorse and disappeared into the Atlantic Ocean. The meeting ended without an agreement that would have entitled the United States to Atlantis’ advanced technology.
Curry was quick to reject the proposal, asking Trump whether he was serious.
“Dude, you have literally no leverage. You haven’t done shit for us. Why the fuck would we give you our shit?”
Just this week, however, President Trump further pressed the issue when he announced wide-sweeping 35% tariffs on Atlantis.
Economists were befuddled, given that there is no known trade between Atlantis and the United States. In fact, the U.S. is still unsure exactly where Atlantis is. Trump took to social media to express his thoughts:
“We are putting big, BEAUTIFUL tariffs on Atlantis and their HORRIBLE, ‘puny fish-man’. He was MEAN and DISRESPECTFUL to your very kind and handsome President. The people of Atlantis know they’d be better off being the 52nd state and until then, we will be introducing them to my favorite word. Tariff, tariff, TARIFF!!”
Aquaman, protector of the Seven Seas, publicly expressed his disappointment and questioned whether Trump understood the nature of these tariffs: “My mother always taught me that Atlantis and the surface world could co-exist and collaborate with one another. I have been committed to these ideals since I became King. What the President of the United States is talking about denigrates these ideas, rendering them obsolete, and it isn’t even how tariffs work. I am disappointed in his actions.”
Privately, the Dealer contacted Mr. Curry, and his reply was less dressed-up: “Who does this guy think he is? I have superpowers. Does he realize the only thing we ‘trade’ with you guys is fucking water? What does he think he’s doing? Putting a tariff on water? Good luck.”
Trump’s proposed 35% tariffs went into effect at midnight last night.
It is unclear at this time exactly what will be tariffed. Seemingly, Aquaman’s instinct was correct, as Trump emphasized, “We will not stand for being taken advantage of by the Atlanteans. It is time we reclaim our precious natural resources–water and fish. We love water. You know, and a lot of people don’t know this, it’s called H2O. H2 like Derek Jeter. The fish, what a band. Like Grateful Dead but a little worse. We call it–Eric.”
Curry’s reply was simple: “I cannot justify this nonsense with a response. Wait, a minute, did he say, ‘our natural resources?’ Man, fuck that guy.”
Chase Teichholz
Chase Teichholz is a dim-witted zounderkite. He is pompous enough to research Victorian insults to describe himself, and also, in making it about himself, is a selfish prick. Does Chase have anything positive to say about himself? I guess we'll just have to wait and see. Though, given I am Chase, probably not. Where's the fun in that? A potential historical comparison to Chase might be Hannibal Hamlin, save for Mr. Hamlin's exceedingly good looks.
