Nation Distraught as Scientists Say Blue Apples Won’t Be Available Until 2029
During a press conference early Tuesday morning, Acting Commissioner of the Food and Drug Administration Sara Brenner admitted that the lifelong dream of all Americans, to have blue apples, will be delayed until at least 2029.
However, she assured the despondent journalists that “before this decade is out, all Americans will have cheap and easy access to blue apple pie, blue applesauce, and blue apple juice through the power of GMOs.” The commissioner declined to comment on specifics of the program.
Experts have raised concerns about the speed of the program and possible side effects of blue apples if the labs designing them are forced to cut corners. These potential effects include fatigue, headache, déjà vu, vague unease, lower limb loss, and turning blue.
Brenner responded that it was a moral necessity to have the apples ready as soon as possible despite the risk to American lives. The FDA also set a future goal of red, white, and blue striped hamburgers by 2045.
Elliot Florack
A guy who knows very little about whats happening around him but loves to make jokes about what he does know. Open to discussing past or future articles and can be found trying to lock in at the Harper reading room. Warning: will attempt to give everyone high fives.
