Freshman Discovers New Theorem Explaining Why You Always See Your Opps in A-Level

Incoming first-year student Claude Discrete has reportedly discovered the Reg-Einstein Theorem, which states that, without loss of generality, you would always find someone you don’t like in the Regenstein Library’s A-Level. He recently won the Maroon Grant for his revolutionary 1-page paper that offers 3 different proofs of the Theorem.

Proof 1: Proof by induction on n. Base case: you visited the A-Level with family and/or friends during O-Week. Inductive case: By the Chicago Winter Theorem, anyone grinding at the A-Level is condemned to work at A Level again, so n implies n+1. QED.

Proof 2: Proof by pigeonhole principle. There are 4 key study spots on campus (A Level, Harper, Mansueto, and all other floors of the Reg) and you know more than 4 people, so at least 1 of them must be on the A-Level. QED.

Proof 3: Proof by contradiction. Assume you don’t know anyone at A-Level. Then, you ask someone if you can take an unused chair from their table. Therefore, you know someone at A-Level, which contradicts our initial assumption. QED.

In a press release, President Paul Alivisatos stated, “We are proud of Claude’s interdisciplinary breakthrough, which spans disciplines including pure mathematics, behavioral psychology and sociology—it is heartening to see students find novel applications for well-established theorems.”