“A Confusing Day for the Truth” – Shady Dealer Bid to Purchase The Thinker Put on Hold
CHICAGO – Citing “alleged irregularities in the bidding process” and “a concern over increased investigative journalism into our job performance,” UChicago’s Disciplinary Committee announced today they were pausing a mandatory ordered sale of the Chicago Thinker to the Chicago Shady Dealer. Previously, the Dealer, the only source of legitimate news in this hemisphere, had been declared the winner of an Eka House-sponsored auction to acquire the Thinker, its erstwhile competitor, beating out shadowy shell corporation Het Hinkert in the process.
The Thinker, which has been struggling financially ever since losing out on the $100 million free speech grant won by the Chicago Forum for Free Inquiry and Expression, was recently ordered by Eka House Justice Czar Chris Wright to wind down operations and sell their pseudo-intellectual property to pay back a $25 house loan.
Wright, who facilitated the forced sale, defended the bidding process, saying that “individual bids for the Thinker’s intellectual property were robust, but two bids stood head and shoulders above the rest because they offered actual money.” Between the two, Het Hinkert reportedly offered more money, but the Dealer’s bid, rumored to be in the tens of dollars, contained additional incentives that, according to Wright, left house creditors more whole. “Our house spends too much on Dealer subscriptions, and the offer of a free year of digital and print access to the Dealer, exponentially increases the value Eka House receives,” Wright stated. “You really can’t put a price tag on quality journalism.”
However, Het Hinkert refused to take their loss lying down. Allegedly, in a 15-minute rant during Dean Melina Hale’s office hours, Het Hinkert spokesperson Conner Mann complained that they “offered singles of dollars more” than the successful bid and that the purchase was “rigged to compromise the free speech that makes our university great.” Dean Hale referred the case to UChicago’s Disciplinary Committee, which completed their review of the bidding process in four hours, immediately paused the sale of the news outlet and ordered Czar Wright to redo the house auction. When asked if this order had anything to do with the Dealer’s years-long secret investigation into the Disciplinary Committee’s financial dealings, the Committee declined to comment.
