Woodlawn Pooper Strikes Again – Will Work on Building His Own Type of Bomb

Campus is on edge as the infamous Woodlawn Pooper has resurfaced, leaving his, uh, “signature” in yet another unassuming corner of the residential commons. But this time, reports suggest the Pooper is taking things to the next level—by developing a new shitty explosive device. The Woodlawn Pooper will take “dropping bombs” to a new extreme. 

Woodlawn residents are understandably horrified, still remembering the Armenian Bomber of 2023. “It’s one thing to find a surprise on the eighth floor,” said one unlucky witness, clutching a bottle of Febreeze. “But if this guy’s moving into explosives, we’re all in deep sh—well, you get it.” 

Experts are puzzled by the Pooper’s motivations. “Is it performance art? Is it a protest? Or does he just really hate indoor plumbing?” mused one sociology professor, who plans to write a paper titled Defecation and Devastation: Urban Anarchy in the Age of Surveillance.

The UCPD have issued a vague warning, encouraging students to “stay alert and carry extra bags—just in case.” Meanwhile, campus molecular engineers are reportedly designing “blast-proof” porta-potties to prevent further incidents.

The Pooper, true to form, remains elusive. His latest manifesto, scrawled on a nearby wall, simply reads: “From the ground I rise. From the gut, I create. Fear my art.”