I’m Not a Bad Person, I’m Just British (And Other Lies We Tell)

As human beings, we’re all very prone to telling lies – to ourselves and to others. But when does fibbing  go too far, and when do we need to face the truth? Here’s 5 lies that we tell on a daily basis:

I’m not a bad person, I’m just British

Yeah, I know, it’s kinda scary to have to admit that you’re not perfect  – and sometimes it’s just easier to dismiss our actions. But being British just makes things worse. Maybe you’ve murdered 3 people – and that’s not ok – but claiming that you actually like beans on toast definitely reflects worse on you. And Brad, if you’re reading this, just remember – being British is not your fault, but you should absolutely be blamed for it.

I’m 6 feet tall

You’re not. 6 feet tall people don’t exist, and if they did, they shouldn’t. You’re 5’ 11 or less. Probably 5’ 10, actually. Deal with it, loser. Why do you care about having 6 feet? Do you have a foot fetish or something? I’m 5’ 7 and I’m proud of it. That’s why I have a girlfriend and you don’t, Brad.

Brad’s attractive

He’s not. He’s really not. Like, ok, he has nice muscles that look really comfortable to lean against, and I guess his face is pretty cute, and I’ll grant that his strong, firm hands would feel wonderful if he pushed me against the wall, but I don’t actually remember what point I was trying to make. 

Life is meaningless and you will never make a difference

People who say that life is meaningless clearly haven’t read my articles in the Dealer. Maybe your life is meaningless, Brad, but I’m making a difference. You and your slim but toned body might never amount to much in your life, but all the sex jokes I’ve written about Dean Boyer have done masses of good for the world. What have you done, Brad?

My girlfriend goes to another university

Sure, and my girlfriend went to another man.