Rating the Old, White Men I’ve Read in SOSC Based on Their Abilities to Make a Woman Orgasm

Thomas Hobbes – 2/10. Tommy, the only “nasty brutish and short” thing is your dick. Definitely a life-long virgin. Probably never knew the female orgasm existed. Tries to “sovereign” women but has the face of a wrinkly cow with severe constipation. My vagina is not the Leviathan; stop trying to take up the sword against my clitoris. Trust me, that’s not how you do it. 

John Locke – 3/10. Probably also a forever virgin but did some hand stuff. Definitely proposed by asking a woman to be his “life, liberty and property.” She said no, and, in his utter resentment for women everywhere, he became a philosopher. Would refuse to go down on a woman for “religious reasons,” but respond “so no head??” after a woman rejects sex with him. Locke, I’ll never give you my tacit consent.

Jean Jacques Rousseau 5/10. Knows what the clitoris is (congrats) but not how to spell it. “Everywhere man is in chains”…ok, buddy chill with that BDSM shit. Definitely a wannabe masochist with creepy levels of attraction to inanimate objects. Refuses to go near women when they’re on their periods.

Edmund Burke – 2/10. Absolutely not. He looks like a baby with my grandma’s haircut.

Emmanuel Joseph Sieyès – 8/10.  This dude could instigate my revolution if he wanted to. Standards are incredibly low, but we’re not in a place to be picky with this line up. This man found the g-spot and got the closest of any of our pasty white men to bringing a woman to climax, but, unfortunately failed in the end because alas…he is a man who believes his opinions are important. And there’s no bigger turn off. 

Adam Smith – 5/10. No, you and your friends cannot divide up the labor necessary to pleasure me. An invisible hand is not going to bring me to my “natural equilibrium.” Points for being Scottish, though. 

Finally, I’ve finished, which is something I would not be able to say had I engaged in sexual intercourse with any of these men. Thank you, University of Chicago, for exposing students to so many white men who will never successfully interact with a vagina, both in our readings and everyday life. The lessons you’ve granted us are invaluable.