If You Sent Your Crush the Wrong Quad Pics…I Am Here to Help.

So you made a little mistake. Well… maybe a big little mistake. Well…maybe a really big little mistake. You sent your crush the wrong quad pics . 

Before you start going into anaphylactic shock, I just want to let you know that there’s no need to worry. I’ve made this mistake many times. Probably as many times as you can count on three hands and one finger. Some call me an expert in this field. This oddly specific inability for me to differentiate between a college quad, and the quads that are on the human musculoskeletal system is actually the reason why I decided to partake in this line of work. Yes, this is actually what I do for a living. This is how I put food on the table. This is how I take care of my chicken. I help college students and ONLY college students (demand is off the deep end, girlfriend!) My sole purpose is to help these students who get just horrendously confused and mistake the community quadrangle for the good ol’ reliable quadricep. Fun fact: The quadricep is adjacent to the posterior gluteus maximus: I told you I was an expert.  So take a deep breath in, unclench the aforementioned muscles, and take a deep breathe out. I’m going to get you through this.

The first question I ask people in your situation, and the question I asked myself about 20 minutes ago is “Why are you so embarrassed about this?” It’s not your fault that when your crush asked you to “Send a picture of the most beautiful quad in the nation” you thought they were talking about your literal quad muscle. 

Yeah, maybe it’s a little weird that they wanted to see your quadricep out of all the other slightly-less-ugly muscles, but, hey, you don’t know what young people are into these days; and as a 41 year old man, I certainly have no interest in that sort of thing either!  That would be really weird, right? Do you guys think that would be weird? Comment down below if you think that would be weird! Like I said before, there is absolutely zero reason to be embarrassed. You think you’re the first UChicago student to make a contextual reading error? You might actually be correct in that evaluation, but at least that makes you special. 

Now that we have contemplated the situation let me tell you how to resolve it. It’s easy. It will take you about 15 minutes. The first step is to go to Target. At Target, buy a sorry letter and three different varieties of extra large Slim Jim’s: one habanero, one teriyaki, and one original. Write your name on the letter if you want. DO NOT TOUCH THE SLIM JIM’S. Find your crush’s location via the regular web, and then find my location via, lets just say, the non-regular web. Then hand me the letter. After you give me the letter, you will slowly hand over the Slim Jim’s (you can keep the original, I’ll give it to you as a gift.) I’ll then deliver the letter myself. Do not worry about what I am going to do with the Slim Jims: it’s part of the job. Your crush will forgive everything. This has ended in success hundreds of times. How do I define success, you ask? That’s way too personal of a question, and I am slightly offended that you even asked. 

Yours truly,

Jim ‘the slim’ James 

P.S If you can’t flex it, don’t text it.