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Tensions Run High at House Council Meeting
By Timi Koyejo April 25, 2013 After a contentious motion was pushed through by a faction of the Booth House Council, tensions abounded this past Sunday, multiple sources reported. “I had always expected…
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Last Man Finishes the Oregon Trail
By Walker King April 25, 2013 As Jebidiah Sheffield staggered into the Oregon City City Hall to claim his homestead on April 17th, he officially became the last man to complete the Oregon…
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US, Nato Invade Dining Hall for Oil, Weapons of Mass Destruction
By Ayesha Wadhawan April 25, 2013 The U.S. Department of Homeland Security has declared “inevitable” an invasion of University of Chicago dining halls, naming them a “primary threat to American security.” Senior U.S.…
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Chalk to be replaced with humongous chalkboard
By Mark Sands April 25, 2013 The University of Chicago Office of the Registrar announced today its decision to replace the online Chalk system with a gigantic chalkboard. After cMore was closed in…
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I Didn’t Know What I Really Wanted Until Chef Brent Made Those Fruit Sculptures
By Woodlawn Resident April 27, 2013 I’ve been expressing strong desires for a number of things recently. I said I’d like the University to acquire and develop less than one hundred percent of…
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President Zimmer Occupies Admin Building: demands less transparency, less student input
By James Ekstrom April 28, 2013 This morning, at 8:00 a.m., University staff attempting to begin work at the University Administration Building found the doors and ground-floor windows locked and barricaded from the…
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Senator Tammy Baldwin Comes Out as NBA Player
By Stephen Lurie April 29, 2013 In a move that is bound to shock the homosexual world, Senator Tammy Baldwin has revealed that she is a professional basketball player for the Milwaukee Bucks…
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Main Quad Drainage on Par with Peer Institutions
By Zachary Augustine May 6, 2013 Researchers at the new Institute for Data Sets recently finished their four-year study on the state of water drainage in high traffic areas at elite-level institutions. Colleges…
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UCPD Awarded RSO of the Year
By Matt Montequin May 21, 2013 Yesterday afternoon, Student Government’s Committee on Recognized Student Organizations (CORSO) announced its 2012-13 RSO Award winners, with the University of Chicago Police Department (UCPD) taking top honors.…
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Health Inspection Finds Humans in Cathey Dining Commons
By Alexander Dunlap May 23, 2013 CHICAGO—The Chicago Department of Public Rat Health has issued a “critical” violation to Arley D. Cathey Dining Commons upon discovering almost three hundred live humans in the…
