Student Accidentally Calls Former Second-Grade Teacher “Professor,” Dies of Shame
It is with great sorrow that the Dealer reports the passing of third-year Miles Cavendish owing to a lethal excess of shame after accidentally calling his former second-grade teacher, Helen Finklewhite, “Professor.”
The accident occurred at the Target in Pepper Pike, Ohio, while Cavendish was visiting home. “I hadn’t seen Miles in years, so I went up to him and said hello,” Finklewhite said through tears. He replied, ‘Hi, Professor Finklewhite.’ And that… that was when Miles turned dangerously red. I asked if he was all right, but he just stood there, frozen with embarrassment, as his face grew redder and redder. He collapsed a minute later.”
Student Wellness has launched a new initiative entitled “Elementary School Teachers Are Not Professors” to prevent future disasters. Students will be shown photos of elementary school teachers and given electric shocks whenever they accidentally refer to them as “professor.” The University is proud to offer its support in this trying time.
Katherine Timm
