UChicago Accidentally Sugars Campus Sidewalks Instead of Salting Them

Last week, in preparation for an upcoming storm, University of Chicago Serious Tempest Outbreak Response Management team (UCSTORM) employees were engulfed in a flurry of activity. In order to prevent the buildup of ice and snow on sidewalks around campus, they needed to act fast.

The next morning, students walking to class noticed that the paths they were walking on had not been cleared. “Normally the walk is so nice!” said one I-House resident. “Now I can hardly lift my feet from the ground, the snow is so thick! It took me three hours to get to the quad, and by that time, I had missed both my classes for the day so I had to walk back.”

Warnings then began to fly at gale-force speed. The university sent an email, apologizing for the rough conditions. The Shady Dealer, meanwhile, sent out its best reporters, determined to get to the bottom of the issue and melt away the layers of deception. Eventually, we figured it out. 

UCSTORM had used sugar instead of salt.

When confronted with our discovery, Bob Frost, a spokesperson for the task force, apologized for the mix-up. “Don’t be salty about it,” he pleaded. “If I gave you two buckets of white granular material, would you be able to tell them apart?”

Meanwhile, as the snow melted, dogs around the neighborhood were thrilled by the error. Pancake, a miniature poodle and longtime Hyde Park resident, proclaimed that this was the first winter in her life where she could walk without getting salt in her sweet fuzzy paws. “Now, the snow tastes even better when I lick it!” she barked enthusiastically.

Even the students were happier. “We have too much salt in our lives as it is,” said an I-House resident, while eating from a jar of pickles.