South to Install New “Vibe-Based” Fire Alarms

After two recent false alarms, Renee Granville-Grossman Residential Commons will be replacing all current motion-based fire alarms with new “vibe-based” models.

Otto Davis, inventor of the new fire alarms, stated that “we really need to build our world for the next generation, you know?” He quietly added, “even if they’re fucking morons” when he thought our reporter wasn’t listening.

The fire alarms are set to run on an innovative new AI program. 

When asked how it works, the AI program released the smell of marijuana from the vents and said, “Dude, you wouldn’t ask Picasso how he paints, would you? I’ve got it covered, man.” When further pressed, it relented, saying, “Just, like, whenever the mood is off, you know? Or, like, if too many students are sleeping. I guess just expect an alarm every other week or something.”

“Eh, can’t be worse than the old ones,” said Travis McJohnson, a first-year in DelGiorno house. Rhonda Moore, a third-year from Keller house, believes that “the universe is just balancing out from the return of the duck pond.”

The University also plans to update the fire alarm sound to render it even less clear that students need to evacuate the building. The current frontrunner for the new alarm sound is “amateur ukulele.”