George Washington Founds America

July 4, 1776

PHILADELPHIA — In a major shakeup for the cartography industry, retired general George Washington founded America today.

“After a great deal of consideration, months of encouragement from friends and family, and after weighing all the pros and cons, I have decided it’s time to create the United States of America,” Washington told an ebullient crowd at the ribbon-cutting ceremony. “At long last, there will be a country to fill the gap between Canada and Mexico.”

Most of those in attendance praised Washington’s decision. “It’s about damn time there was a country here,” said Francis G. Applebench, a 67-year-old bloodletter from Stockbridge, Massachusetts. “I’ve had about all I can take of living in a politically ambiguous geographical area.”

Others were less enthusiastic. “I know a lot of people were clamoring to have a country here, but I don’t know how exactly to feel about the whole thing,” said Henry C. Twigberry of Charleston, South Carolina, who said he worked in human resources. “Personally, I was hoping he might found Belgium or Uruguay or something.”

Reached for comment, King George III of Great Britain and Ireland, who waged an eight-year war to stop George Washington from founding America, said simply, “Whatever, man.”

Washington said his next step would be to start writing a new constitution for America. “I’ve got a lot of ideas, and I can’t wait to sink someone else’s teeth into it.”

In order to raise money for the new country, Washington said he would hold a nationwide raffle, with prizes including the western half of Connecticut, the chance to write an amendment to the constitution, and a picture of a horse drawn by Benjamin Franklin, a prominent kite enthusiast in the Philadelphia area.