Dealer Investigates: The Many Crimes of “Dean Boyer”

The individual widely known as “Dean Boyer” has been an enduring mystery in all of our lives. While many know about his role in the faking of the moon landing and the satanic symbols he draws with chemtrails, who really is our university’s local lizard-man? Using exclusive, recently obtained evidence, here’s what the Dealer has discovered about the many crimes of the so-called “Mean Dean”.

Dean Boyer: D. B. Cooper found?

The true identity of the famous plane hijacker has never been uncovered – until now. The Dealer, using state-of-the-art forensic techniques (such as breaking and entering), recently discovered the tattered remains of a parachute in Dean Boyer’s apartment, which our contacts have reported to be “probably one of ours, yeah”, and $190,800 in cash, which carbon dating reveals were printed prior to November 24, 1971. And if that isn’t enough evidence for you, ask yourself this: what do you think “D. B.” stands for?

Dean Boyer killed JFK

Our anonymous agent in the FBI (hey Jack!) reports that “Lee Harvey Oswald” was really a pseudonym for “Dean Boyer” all along. According to his findings, the Dallas Police Department has been covering for Boyer this whole time, having been bribed with free copies of Boyer’s Political Radicalism in Late Imperial Vienna: Origins of the Christian Social Movement, 1848-1897, as well as his sex tape.

Dean Boyer, not the Div School Murderer

Despite the widespread rumor  that Dean Boyer is responsible for the assassination of Ioan Culianu in the third floor bathroom of the divinity school, the Dealer has found evidence that Boyer was, at the time, actually on his annual trip to commemorate his invention of the gender-neutral toilet by “pissing” on John F. Kennedy’s grave. We’ve found that the true culprit was probably vaccinations.

Dean Boyer is Bigfoot

Ok, we admit – we don’t really have any “concrete” evidence for this. But just look at them! Or look simultaneously at Dean Boyer and the vague, blurry outline of Bigfoot, I guess. Or can you? Have you ever seen them in the same room? They have the same bulging muscles, the same towering physique, the same glowing red eyes. It’s pretty obvious when you think about it.

Dean Boyer has had sex