I’m an Alpha Delt Pledge and You’re a Loser

I’ve spent my life until this point looking for people as cool as me. I was the coolest kid in high school, even if no one else thought so. I had my lunch table all to myself. I even started on the football team until a better water-boy took my spot. Originally I feared that no one at UChicago would be on my level either.

Enter Alpha Delta Phi. On my first day on campus, I stepped off the quad to a chorus of “Rush Alpha Delt!” and looked up to see my future lovers – I mean Brothers – jamming out to the sickest beat drops of 2010. My favorite playlist! I knew I’d found a home. I would do anything for the honor of scrubbing their floors and drinking their expired Natty Light.

My admiration for the brothers only grew as I saw the deep reverence accorded them on campus. It’s common knowledge – their numerous contributions to the university community go without saying. And whenever I’m in a conversation trying to show someone how cool I am, all I have to do is mention that I’m an Alpha Delt pledge. Boom, conversation over. No one can top that. Most people just walk away. Pfft, losers.

I must say that I will dearly miss being on the receiving end of all the abuse; I’m getting so much attention from the coolest dudes I’ve ever met. Maybe even as a second year I can ask the Brothers to continue subjecting me to beer runs and beatings with the incoming pledge class.

Honestly, though, all the hype around “selective” admissions and I haven’t met a single cool dude outside of Alpha Delt. How is it that admissions made a mistake with everyone except the small minority of us Brothers?