Oops! My SOSC Essay Accidentally Started 100 Years of Religious Conflict

WITTENBURG 1540 – I knew I made a mistake by taking Classics for SOSC. Everyone always told me “Martin, just take Mind, it’s by far the easiest and you can seem cool by psycho-analyzing your friends after taking three classes.” But did I listen? No. And like a dumbass, I decided “huh, I can do a total take-down of Aquinas, why not?”

And so the day before the essay was due, I just came back from Pub Night with my bros Friedrich and Johann when I realized I had to finish that shit in a night. So I pulled up my manuscripts, pulled out Bible-pedia and my quills and got to work. I was racing through it still buzzed so I barely remember what I wrote. I don’t even think I wrote paragraphs, I just bullet pointed that shit. I learned absolutely nothing in my HUM writing seminar so what does it matter?

Anyway, I finished that whopper of an essay an hour before it was due. I felt good about it. I conducted a Just War against Aquinas’s puny arguments and made him wish for Five Ways out. But I had chugged a few Bavarians to get through it though so I was pretty far gone at that point and may have started ranting about the Pope and other stuff that pissed me off. You know, typical shit that you do while drunk.

I was still pretty drunk when I went to turn it in. So drunk, in fact that my dumbass nailed that shit to the church instead of my professor’s office. I was sleeping off the hangover when this little kid woke me up to tell me that the people were loving my essay. “What?” I said, “the one about the healing properties of beer?” No apparently, my ‘religious treatise’ had made the rounds in the city and the people were loving it.

And holy hell was the administration pissed at me. Bishop Boyer threatened to make me stay in Church housing for another year and called me in front of everyone to defend myself. And at that point, I was in too deep, you know? So I just kind of went with it, said I stand by what I wrote and all. A few RSOs had popped up to defend me at that point, so I figured it would work out okay.

But now, over 20 years later, they still haven’t cooled down about it. People have started fighting and the Pope even excommunicated me (fucking poser). But I never meant for any of this to happen. I just wanted to drink with my friends and get through SOSC but now I’ve thrown Germany into chaos I’m a leader of a whole goddamn religious movement.

And the worst part? My paper only got a B-.