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May 13, 2016
For 14 years, the drone program has given the Ppresident of the United States the ability to execute surgical, extrajudicial, and often political murder from the comfort of the golf course. America rarely recognizes the brave drones who have to go into these civilian locales to kill often innocent and defenseless families of people who may have helped a fundamentalist religious group. All this changes now. In cities all across the country, our fallen drones are being remembered for their heroic sacrifice this Memorial Day.
“It’s about time we thank our drones for their service,” said Mark Milley, Chief of Staff of the American Army., “It takes a lot of guts to fly over cities suffering from abject poverty and drop a Hhellfire missile. I mean, what if someone tried to shoot down our metallic murder machines!? That’s the risk our drones face every time they unleash devastation on civilians.”
“I loved working with XE-100101,” said Todd Backstrom, a Central Intelligence Agency drone pilot., “He made work feel like I wasn’t working at all. In fact, it felt a lot like I was playing PlaystationXbox or something! The only problem is that when I do play Xbox now, I worry I may actually be killing people.The cognitive dissonance XE-100101 gave me really made it easier to stalk and murder people without ever having to leave base. Oh, and working with him made me a GOD at Call of Duty, and for that I cannot thank him enough.”
In honor of the drones we lost this year, the White House is holding a special service in whichwherein drones dressed in ceremonial uniform will drop one air-to-surface missile onto random foreign cities for every fallen drone. The CIA confirmed these missiles won’t kill any unintended targets, unless they somehow dochange their mind. In wake of the new celebration, protests have broken out, criticizing the drone program.
“We can’t possibly honor a program that is so ineffective,” said protester Lara Hack., “I mean sometimes they actually kill people responsible for international crimes! I thought this program was all about the senseless slaughterring! How can we mourn our drones when they sometimes kill the person they said they’d go after? I don’t care how rare that is. I can’t support a program that even occasionally brings justice.”
You can catch all the happenings on the Shady Dealer holiday livestream this Memorial Day where we will be reportingchronicling all the unrequited, barely guided violence at chicagoshadydealer.com.
