The Chicago Shady Dealer’s Day-After-Father’s-Day Gift Guide

By The News Desk

June 18, 2018

Happy Father’s Day!

Forgot to get your dad a Father’s Day gift? Forgot that Father’s Day was yesterday? Well, if you’re a shitty child, the Chicago Shady Dealer has got the list for you! Introducing the Day-After-Father’s-Day gift list, which, according to our #1 fan and Daddy of the Year, Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte, “Made me the satisfied and happy-go-lucky man–and father–I am today.” So, without further ado, here are some quick and easy presents for the man you know as Dad.

1. The carton of milk he left to get 18 years ago

Is your dad as bad with directions as ours? Make his life a whole lot easier by literally walking 10 minutes to the convenience store down the street and get that carton of milk he went looking for all those years ago. The whole trip should take you about 22 minutes, give or take, and really won’t be too difficult at all. Maybe on your way there you’ll run into your dad  and finally be able to show him the way home! What a silly goose you are dad!

2. Another book about Lincoln to add to the ever-growing pile of shit he won’t read

No matter how sincerely he says, “Thanks, son!” when he opens your gift, you know he doesn’t really mean it. After all, there’s no point in reading when there’s Monday through Sunday Night SportsCenter. The good thing about books, though, is he can return them-if he manages to ever make it back to the shop. But let’s face it: no matter how far he’ll go to buy random stuff on sale at the grocery store, the farthest he’ll go from that beaten up recliner is to the fridge, if he even gets up at all.

3. Hair extensions and a glue gun

Does your dad constantly complain about having a chilly scalp? Is his bald spot brighter than your future? Does he miss the days when he wasn’t “Harold,” but was instead “Harry”? Well then grab a hot glue gun and get to work. With this great Father’s Day gift idea you’ll have your dad looking 20 years younger and just like your friend Jennifer.

4. A picture of what life would have been like if he’d just worn a condom

Oh how time flies: one day you’re talking up your pullout game to a girl you just met at the bar, and the next you’re married with two kids and a mortgage you can’t pay. But we don’t need to tell you that, or your dad; trust us, he knows. With this gift, help your dad hold on to the good old days, specifically the ones that never happened because he had you.

5. An Ashley Madison account

Here’s an oldie but a goodie for all you soon-to-be children of divorce out there. Setting up your dad’s Ashley Madison account is as easy as paying the $20 fee and writing a clever bio that will be sure to get your dad laid! Just remember, people are superficial, so you want to make sure you use the right profile picture. Awkwardly zoomed in selfies won’t cut it this time, Dad! And if you happen to find out that your dad already has an account, not to worry; this will just be a funny story you can laugh about later around the dinner table.

6. A game of catch with the better shortstop on your childhood little league team

One thing you don’t remember from all those long summer days spent playing catch with your dad is how trash you were at it. While your dad was out there throwing perfect tens like the reliable old sport he is, 9-year-old you  was too busy making lazy throws and fumbling every other ball like an amateur. This father’s day, give your dad the game of catch he deserves with Aiden, the starting shortstop from your childhood little league team and the son your father always wanted.  

7. Three quarters of his childhood dog Baxter

According to your grandma, Baxter was your dad’s best friend. And  since friendship is forever, with a few short visits to the shovel store, your grandparents’ backyard, and Hobby Lobby, you’ll have Baxter looking as good as new. The look on your dad’s face will be priceless!

8. A slightly-younger-dad bod

Is your old man trying to get in shape? If you’ve got a health-nut dad, then have we got the gift for you! Skip the weekend half-marathons; slightly longer-lasting youth awaits! This gift have your 53-year-old, worn-out dad looking like the 47 year old he always dreamed of!

9. The silliest tie yet

Make your dad the king of all casual Fridays to come with the silly tie to end all silly ties. Rubber duckies? Been there, done that. Polka-dots? Child’s play.  Trust us when we say there never has been, nor will there ever be, a tie quite as silly as this one. This tie is so silly that your dad might actually get fired for wearing it. Seriously. With this tie he’ll put the competition to shame and never have to step into a Vineyard Vines again. Heck, he should just abandon stable employment altogether and become a clown instead!

10. A 30 rack of Coors Light because that’s the only thing he really wants

Let’s face it: fathers don’t really care about Father’s Day. So tell the marketing industry and writers of Father’s Day gift lists like this one to go fuck themselves with this deceptively simple gift idea!