Blue Chips Disbands to Better Maintain Its Exclusivity

By Rahul Gupta

Oct. 26, 2018

In the logical conclusion of a prolonged struggle over the core values of the University of Chicago, the Blue Chips announced their dissolution late last week. The heads of the official investment banking organization justified it as a means to maintain their prestige and exclusivity in the face of an increasing number of applicants.

“We had an application process, but it just wasn’t rigorous enough,” commented the head of the organization, Evan Glazer. He continued, “I mean like, seriously, we had people who were applying who hadn’t managed a portfolio of at least $10,000 for their high school. Can you imagine what that would do to us? The shame of having to admit people who might not be interested in economics? It would result in the destruction of the University as an institution.”          

Given the demise of the University’s premier organization for economic pursuits, this year’s applicants have reacted with great distress. We spoke to two first-years and rejected applicants, Mike Hawkins and Joyce McClintock, who still had a dim glow of green dollar bills in their eyes from before they arrived. Both of them described the demise of Blue Chips as “the end of the world as we know it.” Mike lamented, “Now there’s no way I will ever be able to learn the rigorous theory of business economics and land a job at a comfy hedge fund!”

Joyce agreed. “It gets even worse–I won’t be able to invest in morally questionable enterprises until after I graduate!” Distraught over the future disappearing in front of them, they broke down into sobs.

Despair is not the only emotion on campus, though. The administration, led by President Zimmer, is planning to re-constitute an investment group by next year to give Economics majors the training they need to succeed. As per university policy, the RSO will be named “The Kenneth C. Griffin Organization for Prudent Investments.”