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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Dean Boyer Banned from Club Penguin

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Reed Thurston Nov. 11, 2015 Following a string of reports from students and other University of Chicago community members claiming to have witnessed the event firsthand, college the Dean of the College,…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Giggling Economists Report Fishing Industry Floundering

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Zachary Spitz Oct. 22, 2015 At a news conference yesterday in Boston, chuckling economists presented the results of a series of studies showing that the fishing industry is, ahem, floundering. Lead researcher…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    A Guide to Frat Parties

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Alex Hall Oct. 12, 2015 Frat parties can be a very confusing muddle for a first year. From the nonsensical assortments of Greek letters whichthatwhich constitute their names to the sweaty mess…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    10 Organic Ways to Start a Conversation

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Willamina Groething Aug. 1, 2015 1. Pick your new friend and follow them closely 24/7. Once they get used to seeing you everywhere, it will be like you already know each other…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Top Nine Most Common Sexual Fetishes

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Milena Pross May 26, 2015 Many people are ashamed of their sexual preferences, but it’s 2015. Fetishes that were once thought of as “unusual,” “disturbing,” or “very very inappropriate for brunch” are…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Horoscopes

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Zelda April 27, 2015 Aquarium: Your soul mate was born today. Pervert. Pieces: Turn left in 0.5 miles. Your destination will be on the right. Keep an eye out for stop signs,…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Obama Library to Replace South Side

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Evan Bernstein March 1, 2015 Representatives of the Barack Obama Foundation announced Sunday that they have made their recommendation to the President, and that the President has made his decision regarding the…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Kentucky Derby Ends in Catastrophe

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Dan Lastres Feb. 2, 2015 LOUISVILLE MAY 18, 2218 — Disaster struck yesterday at the 344th annual Kentucky Derby when one of the galloping equine cyborgs malfunctioned and exploded just 30 seconds…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Why Two Dakotas?

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By President Benjamin Harrison Jan. 24, 2015 WASHINGTON 1889 — In this historical moment, I, President Benjamin Harrison, have decided to cement my lasting legacy by adding two new states— North Dakota and…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    ‘Twas the Night Before Finals

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Teddy Zamborsky Dec. 8, 2014 T’was the night before finals and all the through the dorm Not a student was stirring, trying to keep warm The papers were done, written without a…

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Read It and Weep

  • Disgusting Mouse Cartoon Repulses Nation
  • Point: Your Country’s Science Education is Lacking; Counterpoint: WE GOT THE MOON FIRST CRY ABOUT IT
  • U.S. Declares Victory in Cold War as Bush Shellacs Gorbachev in Potato Sack Race
  • Richard Nixon Dazzles Nation With Beautiful Swimsuit Bod
  • Pigs Rooted Out of Truffle-Hunting Business by Sick New Dog Breed
  • New Statement From Hitler: “After Poland I’m Done Bro, Trust Me Bro, Deadass”
  • They wouldn’t let me into the Donner party and I am IRATE
  • Crazy New Party Drug Also Good for Surgery
  • 5 Tips to Make Sure You’re the King’s Top Mistress
  • Simone De Beauvoir Cancels Long-Awaited Sequel The Third Sex

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