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Words With the Highest Social Capital
By Mary Vansuch July 28, 2015 Dinner party swag Yaaaaaaaasssssss (careful on spelling; this can dramatically change the value) Authentically Crafted Peoples of Smashing Freely Traded and Organically Grown Swagger Calumet Fisheries Children,…
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What’s Better Than A Vaccine?
By Willamina Groething May 26, 2015 In a recent study conducted by some mommybloggers you know personally and definitely trust, 374 items were tested, and these 15 were found to be objectively better…
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None of Us Have Ever Had Sex
By Editorial Bored April 23, 2015 Okay, you got us! There’s no use hiding it, so you might as well know. What gave it away? Was it that headline up there? Well, you…
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Area Father Not Ready to Give Up on Windows XP
By Dan Lastres March 1, 2015 Expressing his affection for the operating system’s utilitarian design and simplistic color scheme, local father Milton Ford told reporters that he’s sticking with Windows XP for the…
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Strategic Reserves of Plastic Bags Under Sink Still Full
By Chris Deakin Feb. 1, 2015 In a statement released this morning, roommate Charles confirmed that the deep storehouse of grocery bags located under the kitchen sink is well-stocked and will remain so…
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Whom, Honey
By Evan Bernstein Dec. 31, 2014 Whom when it’s the object of a sentence, babe. Who when it’s the subject. No biggie; it’s a common mistake. Just, you know, now you know. Like…
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News in Brief: November 20, 2014
By Chicago Shady Dealer Nov. 20, 2014 Commander of UChicago Electronic Army to Undergo Micropenis Correction Surgery Sources confirm that the anonymous commander of the UChicago Electronic Army is preparing to undergo a…
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Maid In China
By Isaac Krone Nov. 16, 2014 According to recent reports, area bachelor Aziz Ruffalo’s cleaning woman is currently on vacation in the People’s Republic of China. Ana Vikernes, the maid in question, is…
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I Close Slowly Because I Hate You
By the Reg Elevators Oct. 24, 2014 Mmm, yes. The sweet taste of frustration and the odor of despair. I live for your sorrow. I feast on your tears. You arrive with your…
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First year refers to Everything as “The Quad”
By Evan Bernstein July 23, 2014 CHICAGO – According to sources familiar with the semantic controversy, University of Chicago first-year Jacob Brinkler has been referring to various campus buildings, outdoor sites, and even…
