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GOP Engages Millennials through Hip Hop Musical about Restricting Reproductive Rights
By Katie Zellner April 23, 2016 “Seventeen, seh-seh-seventeen. SB seventeen twenty two.” Thus begins the song “Don’t Abort Her, Sir” from the trendy new musical penned by GOP lobbyist turned lyricist, Vernon White.…
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10 Vegetables I Want To Grow
By Ryan Fleishman Feb. 19, 2016 Tomato. The tomato is a wondrous red vegetable that can be used to make ketchup or marinara sauce.. A scientist once told me that the tomato is…
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Quantum Football Physics Rocked by Discovery of New Kind of Bowl
By Nik Varley Feb. 8, 2016 Researchers at CERN were thrilled to announce this morning that they have confirmed the existence of an entirely new bowl. The discovery was made using CERN’s Large…
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It’s Cold Outside
By Rygar Flesh-man, Ice Age Jan. 22, 2016 After the application of advanced meteorology techniques to the surrounding environment, weathermen across the world have concluded that it is cold outside. Many are not…
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6 Pre-Meds More Qualified than You
By Morgan Pantuck Jan. 4, 2016 1. Emma Steinberg Emma Steinberg realized that she wanted to be a doctor during her freshman year of college when she volunteered at the local hospital and…
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What to do if the Toilet Water Splashes in Your Butthole
By Nico Aldape Nov. 25, 2015 This phenomenon is also known as Poseidon’s Kiss! Remember that this happened to gods too. Archeological studies found that the output of Hephaestus, Greek god of fire…
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Professor Embarrassed Over Sudden Family Visit
By Adam Lowinger Nov. 11, 2015 In an unexpected surprise, a Professor James.Richard Bunich of the Mathematics Ddepartment was recently visited by his parents. He was tTold on Wednesday that his parents would…
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Lactose Intolerance No Longer Allowed on Campus
By Ryan Fleishman Oct. 31, 2015 Last Thursday, Dean Boyer and his fellow rulers of The University of Chicago have = banned all forms of lactose-intolerance, ranging from mild lactose-aversion to full blown…
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Obama Weds Shinzo Abe in Trans-Pacific Partnership
By Zachary Spitz Oct. 16, 2015 To finalize the Trans-Pacific Partnership, President Barack Obama married Prime Minister Shinzo Abe of Japan in a ceremony in Atlanta this week.The historic partnership is the culmination…
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Top 7 Most Creative House Themes
By Milena Pross Aug. 9, 2015 The university prides itself on its unique housing system. With thirty-eight houses and eleven dormitories, the places where students live vary in appearance, cleanliness, and distance from…
