By Morgan Pantuck’s Mom Aug. 21, 2016 Jacob: Dad’s tennis buddy has a son named Jacob who’s a pre-med at Northwestern. I gave his mom your cell phone number, so look out for…

By Jacob Johnson July 23, 2016 Look, we’ve all been there. You open one of the boxes you stored before you left last June, and your nose is suddenly met with the pungent…

By Morgan Pantuck May 13, 2016 The University of Chicago released an official statement this morning confirming that famed alumnus and billionaire philanthropist Dickwad Fuckwit will be donating nearly $70 million to the…

By Milena Pross May 6, 2016 Okay, something’s up and I can’t be the only one to notice it. I’m not normally one to dive into conspiracy theories, but there are just too…

By Diane Zimmerman April 22, 2016 I am an ambitious young professional, and I think I could learn a lot from networking with you. I want to show you that I am an…

By Chase Harrison Feb. 18, 2016 Despite overall campus diversity statistics , a recent study by the Shady Dealer revealed that 80% of the people in your students in SOSC classes, college-wide, are…

By Zachary Spitz Feb. 2, 2016 On Monday, after months of vigorous campaigning across the state of Iowa, Sen. Ted Cruz of Texas wascame out on the receiving end of a massive caucus.…

By Daniel Ruttenberg, 2046 Jan. 22, 2016 Star Wars Episode XVIII: The Roast of Chewbacca Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope Star Wars Episode…

By Walker King Jan. 3, 2016 Hey buddy, how are you doing? In a revolving door, I see. And not just any revolving door. This revolving door, with me. Welcome. You’ve probably already…

By Ryan Fleishman Nov. 20, 2015 In an unexpected turn of events, the Major Activities Board has officially announced this Wednesday that Nirvana will not be able to perform at this year’s Summer…