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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Three Dead, Four Wounded in Deadly Political Correctness Attack

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Liam Coles Aug. 1, 2016 Philadelphia— The suicide bomber Justin Saeed ended up killing 3 and critically wounding 4 in what has been called a massive attack of political correctness. This Monday…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    First Year Was Fun, But Not as Fun as Space Mountain

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nik Varley May 16, 2016 It feels like yesterday that my parents dropped me off into my new life at the University of Chicago. I remember being filled with nervous excitement that…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Memorial Day 2016: Honoring Our Fallen Drones

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By David North May 13, 2016 For 14 years, the drone program has given the Ppresident of the United States the ability to execute surgical, extrajudicial, and often political murder from the comfort…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    The Wiggles Pull Music from Spotify in Show of Solidarity with Taylor Swift

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Jacob Levin April 23, 2016 In a public announcement Monday, The Wiggles announced that they have decided to remove all of their music from Spotify to show solidarity with Taylor Swift and…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Area Middle School Troubled Over Emergence of “Super Tuesday” Clique

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Breck Radulovic March 2, 2016 Thomas Jefferson Middle School has seen the development of a new clique in recent weeks. Styling themselves as “Super Tuesday,” the group of spiteful and exclusionary middle…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    This Twelve-Year-Old Played Blindfolded Simultaneous Chess Against Six Grandmasters And Got Slaughtered by All of Them

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Daniel Ruttenberg Feb. 18, 2016 Kyle Jacoby is only in the fifth grade, but already he thinks he’s some sort of chess prodigy. To test his mettle, he challenged six grand–masters to…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Obama’s Singular Grey Hair Plots Total Expansion by 2016

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Renee Winget, 2008 Jan. 22, 2016 AAt the crown of his head, presidential candidate Barack Obama’s singular grey hair announced a plan to eradicate pigment in visible hair by the year 2016…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Letter to the Editor

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By John F. Kennedy, April 5, 1962 Jan. 18, 2016 To my dear, sweet beloved, Throughout my short presidency, I have been no stranger to clandestine affairs, from the espionage of the Cuban…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Student to Spend Quarter Abroad in Shondaland

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Chase Harrison Dec. 31, 2015 While other UChicago students will be traveling to Paris, Beijing, and Oaxaca in the winter quarter, third-year Junior Kelsey Shippman will be immersing herself in perhaps the…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Thanksgiving Turkey Pardoned by Obama Passes Sixth year in Guantanamo

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Grace Quigley Nov. 15, 2015 In a surprisingcurious turn of events, the turkey pardoned by President Obama before Thanksgiving of 2009 has passed its sixth year at the detention camp in Guantanamo…

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  • SSRIs Cure Great Depression
  • Say It With Me: Zero-Hours Contract is the Best Contract!
  • Automated Bobbin-Changing Equipment Threatens Job Security of 9-Year-Olds
  • Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg
  • Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”
  • After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”
  • Stephen Cole Kleene Invents Formal Languages, Causing War

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