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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    5 Albums You Should Only Masturbate To On Vinyl

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Teddy Zamborsky May 13, 2016 1. Exile on Mainstreet – The Rolling Stones Can you think of a better album to shake your hips,s, and your spidermonkey, to in its original analog…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Feral Child Raised by Improv Troupe

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Morgan Pantuck April 22, 2016 Chicago Aauthorities were shocked earlier this week by the discovery of a feral child in Chicago, Illinois whom they believe to have been raised by an improv…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Torrented New Kanye Album Ruled Best Virus Of All Time

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Ryan Fleishman Feb. 19, 2016 After searching through pirating websites desperately this Sunday for Kanye’s new album to download illegally through their chosen torrent client, critics agree that Kanye’s The Life of…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    America is Ready for Florida Values

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Marco Rubio Feb. 2, 2016 Recently, there’s been a lot of talk about Donald Trump and his New York values. Values like yelling, rudeness, pickles, complaining, “‘fahgettingbout things“’, pigeons, and elitism. Well,…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    6 Twenty-Somethings Who Have Only Had Two or Fewer Kids

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Daniel Ruttenberg, 1720 Jan. 22, 2016 Harriet Johnson: Look at Harriet! Walking around like she is not supposed to be carrying a baby on top of her other in her baby. That…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Tips to Spice Up Your Platonic Friend’s Sex Life

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Ryan Fleishman Jan. 4, 2016 Stock up on fun condoms. Your friend will appreciate the special twist on their sex life when you surprise them with a Trojan Fire & Ice Ultra-Thin…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Student Flies South for Winter

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Breck Radulovic Nov. 24, 2015

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Socratic Dialogue on Memes

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nico Aldape Nov. 11, 2015 Socrates: Let us move to the concepts of memes, the nature of which, as Apollo wishes, is of optimal dankness. Memes are the form and dankness the…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Twitter Beef Between Dean Ellison and the Major Activities Board: Explained

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Milena Pross Oct. 27, 2015 As many campus beefs go nowadays, it all started with a tweet. Last week, John “Jay” Ellison, the Ddean of Sstudents in the College, using the Twitter…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Practical Guide to Being a Fuckboy

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Juan Caicedo Oct. 16, 2015 Perhaps you first heard about fuckboys from a parent, coach, or pastor. You may have seen one passing by in the hallway, one hand secure on a…

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Read It and Weep

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  • Stephen Cole Kleene Invents Formal Languages, Causing War
  • UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals
  • White House Rushes to Explain Correlation Not Causation Following JD Vance Pope Visit
  • Interview: Debate Over Politics Blossoms Into Lifelong Friendship
  • Citizen App Provides Notice About Hyde Park Crimes: Dog Poop on Sidewalk, Premarital Handholding
  • Harper Releases New Specialty Drinks
  • New Printing Software Tells You Exactly How Many Trees You Killed, You Fascist

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