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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    What Are We Splurging on This Week?

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Sam Taylor May 26, 2015 1) Inklings, Histories, and Mysteries 2) Hanging out with the gang 3)Carp 4)Sweatshirts with the words “Let’s Hear it for the Boys!” 5) Cheetos Brand Cheetos 6)Stuff…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Why, I Think I’ll Vote for Bernie Sanders

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Daniel Moattar May 26, 2015 Why, I Think I’ll Vote for Bernie SandersBy Jamie Dimon, CEO, JPMorgan Chase I was speaking on the phone the other day with my good friend Hillary…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Amazon Announces Plans to Ship Consumers Directly to Product

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Chris Deakin March 1, 2015 In a press conference this morning, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos announced that the online retailer will begin delivery of clients to their desired product as early as…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    March!

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Evan Bernstein March 1, 2015 Oh boy oh boy oh boy! Sources close to bursting from excitement report that it’s March! The sources, who wished to remain forever young and free, went…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Sexiest Man Alive Also Only Man Alive

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Si Squires-Kasten Feb. 1, 2015 NEW YORK November 19, 2159 On Tuesday, Person (née People) Magazine awarded Juwan Murphy, the sole survivor of the nuclear holocaust of 2158, the title of “Sexiest…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    5 Reasons It Sucks to be a Girl

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Morgan Pantuck Dec. 30, 2014 Ladies, we have it rough. Between periods, emotional breakdowns, and dealing with dumb boys 24/7, there are hundreds of reasons that being a girl is no walk…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    “You Like This” Says Salad Eater to Self

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Becky Stoner Nov. 18, 2014 A quiet murmur was heard this Tuesday around 12:17 pm in Bartlett Dining Hall. “You like this,” said second-year May House resident and reluctant salad eater Zoe…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Federal Judge Really Taking This One to Heart

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Daniel Moattar Nov. 13, 2014 Look, Your Honor. I’m not making excuses for what I did. I just think you’re riding me a little hard. It’s been almost a month since the…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Classifieds

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Matthew Goldenberg and Morgan Pantuck Oct. 21, 2014 “Lab” partner wanted Looking to experiment with girls. Must have significant biology and chemistry background, advanced laboratory skills, a research portfolio, and huge ol’…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    I Don’t Believe in Gay Marriage

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Morgan Pantuck May 13, 2014 Look, I know this isn’t the “politically correct” thing to say these days, but I have to get something off my chest. I don’t believe in gay…

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Read It and Weep

  • Automated Bobbin-Changing Equipment Threatens Job Security of 9-Year-Olds
  • Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg
  • Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”
  • After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”
  • Stephen Cole Kleene Invents Formal Languages, Causing War
  • UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals
  • White House Rushes to Explain Correlation Not Causation Following JD Vance Pope Visit
  • Interview: Debate Over Politics Blossoms Into Lifelong Friendship
  • Citizen App Provides Notice About Hyde Park Crimes: Dog Poop on Sidewalk, Premarital Handholding
  • Harper Releases New Specialty Drinks

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