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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Griffin Bonnin Jones, Andrea Zhou

Managing Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Deputy Managing Editor

Vivian Psylos

Layout Editor

Justin Bilenker

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Nik Ochoa, Chase Teichholz

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    US, Nato Invade Dining Hall for Oil, Weapons of Mass Destruction

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Ayesha Wadhawan April 25, 2013 The U.S. Department of Homeland Security has declared “inevitable” an invasion of University of Chicago dining halls, naming them a “primary threat to American security.” Senior U.S.…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Study: “Unhappiness Just Part of UChicago Experience,” UChi Secrets Most Successful Experiment Yet

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Angela Wang Feb. 24, 2013 Almost nine and a half years ago, a number of the greatest UChicago minds came together for the “first, and probably only, series of interdisciplinary applied research…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Kids Crazy About Minecraft!

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Chris Deakin Feb. 4, 2013 Check this out: kids are all about this new Minecraft thing. Have you seen this? Hold your horses, I’ll tell you, gosh. So what it’s all about…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    University to Close South, Max P, Snitchcock, and Burton Judson

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Catherine Alvarez-McCurdy Jan. 3, 2013 Following the positive feedback the University received upon its announcement of plans to close and destroy Pierce Tower over the upcoming summer, the Housing Office has decided…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Local Fatty Learns Chinese Through Fortune Cookies

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Stephen Lurie Nov. 11, 2012 Area man Jack Yarborough discovered this week an unexpected and unintended benefit to his Chinese take-out habit: learning Chinese. By his estimates, the 340-pound Mr. Yarborough must…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Romney claims he built his own teeth

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Mark Boykin Oct. 22, 2012 At a campaign stop in St. Paul, Minnesota, yesterday, presidential hopeful Mitt Romney launched into dental rhetoric in the middle of a speech on campaign finance. In…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Top 6 Things to Do This MLK Day If You Don’t Have a Date

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Christian Villanueva Jan. 21, 2019   Another year, another Martin Luther King Day without a date. Have you tried every way to get a date who can revere a great American hero…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Local Vegan Cooked for Thanksgiving Dinner

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Olivia Reeves Nov. 22, 2018 In an unusual twist on an American classic, the family of third year Jane Wallis has announced that they will be cooking and eating her instead of…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Millions of Kids Dress as Migos for Halloween, None of them Takeoff

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nico Aldape Oct. 31, 2018   Millions across the nation celebrated Halloween by dressing as Migos this Halloween, the second-most popular costume among young black children (behind the King of Wakanda). The…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Richard Thaler Depressed After No Longer Being the Center of Attention

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By JJ Zheng Oct. 8, 2018 Credit: Getty Images Dr. Richard Thaler, recipient of the 2017 Nobel Prize in Economics, is reportedly feeling depressed after news of the 2018 recipients broke this morning.…

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Read It and Weep

  • Professor Who Takes Ten Weeks to Grade Papers Shocked by Late Assignment
  • Everyone Saw You Press “No Tip”
  • Study Reveals 90% of Group Project Work Done by One Sad Student
  • Bartlett to Follow Agriculture Department Advice: Meals to Feature Tortilla, Broccoli, and Maybe Chicken
  • Parents Befriend Student’s Least Favorite Professor During Model Class
  • Trump to fire all Via drivers amid government shutdown
  • CTA Transit Bill Stalls Over Whether Chartreuse or Magenta Is Better Name for Line
  • Point: I Want a Situationship / Counterpoint: I Think I’m in Love with Her
  • I only know Jeffrey, WHO THE FUCK IS MARK EPSTEIN?
  • 6 moral systems that say it’s okay for me to work for Raytheon

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