By John Wilson Oct. 23, 2015 In an unexpected turn, the University of Chicago Admissions Office has released the penis size statistics for the class of 2019. The information was released on the…

By David North Oct. 16, 2015 First-year Jack Bailey of Coulter House was seen trying to hide his girlfriend, first-year Amy Xuhao, from his parents when they visited last weekend. Bailey carefully avoided…

By Ryan Fleishman Aug. 6, 2015 Mechanical cCrossbow for hunting food and protecting your spot– Lotion, as. eElbows tend to get chaffed overnight in the lounge.– Speakers so everyone on the 1st, 2nd,…

By Sam Taylor May 26, 2015 1) Inklings, Histories, and Mysteries 2) Hanging out with the gang 3)Carp 4)Sweatshirts with the words “Let’s Hear it for the Boys!” 5) Cheetos Brand Cheetos 6)Stuff…

By Daniel Moattar May 26, 2015 Why, I Think I’ll Vote for Bernie SandersBy Jamie Dimon, CEO, JPMorgan Chase I was speaking on the phone the other day with my good friend Hillary…

By Chris Deakin March 1, 2015 In a press conference this morning, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos announced that the online retailer will begin delivery of clients to their desired product as early as…

By Evan Bernstein March 1, 2015 Oh boy oh boy oh boy! Sources close to bursting from excitement report that it’s March! The sources, who wished to remain forever young and free, went…

By Si Squires-Kasten Feb. 1, 2015 NEW YORK November 19, 2159 On Tuesday, Person (née People) Magazine awarded Juwan Murphy, the sole survivor of the nuclear holocaust of 2158, the title of “Sexiest…

By Morgan Pantuck Dec. 30, 2014 Ladies, we have it rough. Between periods, emotional breakdowns, and dealing with dumb boys 24/7, there are hundreds of reasons that being a girl is no walk…

By Becky Stoner Nov. 18, 2014 A quiet murmur was heard this Tuesday around 12:17 pm in Bartlett Dining Hall. “You like this,” said second-year May House resident and reluctant salad eater Zoe…