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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    How Enthusiastic to Sound on the Phone with Your Parents

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nico Aldape Aug. 5, 2015 Be happy when you’re talking to them, but not too happy. You want them to do the work of telling you they miss you and want to…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    She’s Not My Girlfriend, Mom

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Walker King May 26, 2015 Mom, I appreciate all you’ve done for me. Were it not for the fact that you selflessly feed and clothe me, and selflessly allow me to e…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Forlorn Obama Spends Weekend Going Through Hope Chest

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Walker King May 26, 2015 A nostalgic Barack Obama reportedly spent most of the previous weekend in his personal bedroom, White House sources in the White House sources close to the Presidentinformed…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    It Only Hurts Until You Man Up and Get Over It

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Dan’s Tough Dad March 1, 2015 Let me take you back. It’s 1983. I have a full head of hair and a BMI of 24. I’m preparing to go to the qualifying…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    City of Chicago Releases Election Results

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Matt Goldenberg Feb. 24, 2015 In a surprise press conference that took place just hours before polls opened, the City of Chicago has announced the results of the mayoral election. The election…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Meteor Defense System Behind Schedule and Over Budget

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By A T-rex Feb. 1, 2015 EARTH C. 65,000,000 BCE — I’m proud to say I’m a small-government kind of dino. Dinosaurs should be self-sufficient and self-reliant, that’s what I always say. Uncle…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    If You Die in the Med, You Die in Real Life

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By by Vice President for Safety and Security Marlon Lynch Dec. 30, 2014 Wow. I think something fucking crazy happened under the Reg once. I know your professors would never breathe a word…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    After Long Deliberation, America Chooses Greater of Two Evils

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Daniel Moattar Nov. 16, 2014 After long deliberation, informed consideration, and an even-keeled look at the issues, America has handed the reins over to the greater of two profound evils, polling organizations…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Town of Fonts Finds Itself Sans Sheriff

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Si Squires-Kasten Nov. 13, 2014 In a story first picked up by the New Roman Times, the town of Tahoma, Georgia has been sans sheriff for the last four days. Pressed to…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    After First Beers, First Years Cry First Tears

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Evan Bernstein Oct. 21, 2014 After quite a night of drinking and thinking, smarties at parties had too much Bacardi and fell into a well of crying and sighing, not one son…

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  • Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg
  • Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”
  • After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”
  • Stephen Cole Kleene Invents Formal Languages, Causing War
  • UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals

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