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The Only Thing We Have to Fear Is CNN Itself
By CNN March 1, 2015 For years, CNN has prided itself on keeping its valued viewers abreast of the latest and most serious threats to their well-being and property. Some have deemed our…
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Man Drinks Milk of Another Creature
By Willamina Groething Feb. 1, 2015 5900 B.C.E. Sources confirmed Monday that Craig Mueller of Dærie, Northern Albijnea, drank the milk of his cow Buttercup early last week. Local authorities were alerted to…
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Physicists at Fermilab confirm that Fox News is neither journalism nor entertainment
By Christopher Walker Dec. 31, 2014 After more than a decade of research, physicists at Fermilab have concluded that Fox News broadcasts are composed of neither journalism nor entertainment. “The experiment began when…
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News in Brief: November 13, 2014
By Chicago Shady Dealer Nov. 19, 2014 Times Editor Seeks Ways to Maintain National Interest in School Shooting Sources close to the paper reported Friday that New York Times editor Dean Baquet was…
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Love Child Becomes Love Adult
By Evan Bernstein Nov. 16, 2014 Love Child Becomes Love Adult Sources close to Jeffrey Tanenbaum report that the twenty-five-year old graduate student has completed his transformation from a child of lust to…
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Study Finds Most Men Would Be Gay if it Weren’t for the Penis
By Chris Deakin Oct. 24, 2014 According to joint working group of New York University neurologists and sociologists, almost 98% of men claim that they would engage in all manner of homosexual activity…
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Ask Disastrously Misapplied Nietszche
By Evan Bernstein July 23, 2014 Dear Disastrously Misapplied Nietzsche, My boyfriend won’t stop emailing with his ex. He told me that he’d stopped talking to her, but I logged on to his…
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I’m So Pumped for Scab Hunt
By Morgan Pantuck April 20, 2014 When I applied to college, I toured a lot of impressive campuses. But UChicago was different. More exciting, somehow. Initially, I loved the intellectual atmosphere and “quirky”…
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Humor Magazine Kid Won’t Stop Talking About Incest
By Morgan Pantuck Feb. 24, 2014 According to sources at the University of Chicago Humor Magazine, this one kid will just not stop suggesting articles about incest. The phenomenon began in December 2013,…
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Liebniz Throws Apple at Newton
By Matthew Goldenberg (1685) Jan. 25, 2014 The scientific community of Europe is in uproar this week after hearing that Gottfried Leibniz threw an apple at Isaac Newtonon this this last Tuesday. The…