By Dan Lastres May 26, 2015 A crack team of scientists, sociologists, and journalists from the University of Chicago recently have published a report definitively showing that you won’t finish this article because…

By Morgan Pantuck April 23, 2015 I’ll be honest—I’ve never really been a “girly girl.” When other teens were figuring out high heels and accessories, I was belching loudly and watching NASCAR. Actually,…

By Barry March 1, 2015 Guys, sex is like pizza: even when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good. You know what I mean? Every time I’ve had sex in the past, I was…

By A Particle, Ten Nanoseconds after the Big Bang Feb. 1, 2015 Breakups are hard. One moment you’re sitting comfortably in a singularity with the particles you love. And the next you’re cast…

By Dan Lastres Dec. 31, 2014 Classified: Artist Seeks Torture Aspiring artist with privileged upbringing seeks malevolent acts to inspire creative works. Applicants can expect to  Humiliate me in public  Point…

By Chicago Shady Dealer Nov. 19, 2014 President Zimmer Seeks Word to Describe the University’s Approach to Education Sources close to the Office of the President reported Friday that Robert J. Zimmer, in…

By Isaac Krone Nov. 16, 2014 At a quarterly conference on seasonal fashion held Wednesday, the president of Omega Phi Pi announced that raccoons are officially “in” for winter. As a consequence, the…

By James Newton Oct. 23, 2014 On November 30, the University of Chicago student body was finally completely purged of former public school students. Students and faculty breathed a collective sigh of relief…

By Chris Deakin May 14, 2014 Approaching the end of a lengthy college career spent putting off both academic and professional work, fourth-year Donald Sterling reports that he is excited to finally have…

By Zach Augustine April 20, 2014 1. When Craig threw that Frisbee into oncoming traffic on the Midway. Hilarious! 2. Who could forget the infamous guacamole incident last winter at Jimmy’s? Craig seemed…