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Apathetic Area Man Actually Just Pathetic
By Nico Aldape Feb. 18, 2016 After a careful, objective investigation, sources close to the Shady Dealer are reporting that apathetic area man Stanley Novovoselic is actually just pathetic. “I mean, I thought…
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10 Year Occupation Fails to Find Evidence of Helen in Troy
By Jason of Thebes Jan. 22, 2016 Early yesterday morning, a devout of Pheme, having climbed the mast of one of Agamemnon’s ships, was heard shouting, certain statements directly contradictory to many of…
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QUIZ: What’s your Body Type?
By Morgan Pantuck Jan. 13, 2016 Here at the Dealer, we don’t subscribe to the notion that there’s only one type of physical beauty. We think all women can find things to hate…
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Which Oscar Nominees Pass the Bechdel Test? We Didn’t Check.
By Daniel Ruttenberg Dec. 31, 2015 The Oscar nominations were announced on Thursday, and already and many of tthemwhichthe nominees have been praised for their unique storytelling and captivating performances by some of…
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Pucker Up, Jeb
By Nik Varley Nov. 13, 2015 Jeb Bush recently said that he would give any democrat who cut spending by ten dollars a warm kiss. You’d better pucker up, Jeb, because I’m going…
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How Subtly Do You Flirt with Your TA?
By Morgan Pantuck Nov. 9, 2015 1. You run into your TA in Ex Libris. You: a. Wave at them from the coffee line b. Make small talk about class c. Tell them…
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Math Major Has Nothing Left to Prove
By Alek Binion Oct. 19, 2015 On October 1, 2015, it was confirmed that Todd Smith, a fourth-year Mathematics major at the University of Chicago, has nothing left to prove. The University of…
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CNN to Model Next Presidential Debate after the Hunger Games
By Zoe Kaiser Oct. 8, 2015 Emboldened by the ratings brought in by the Republican presidential debate, CNN plans to base the next Republican primary debate on the popular Hunger Games books, pitting…
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Alpha Phi Omega
By Shady Dealer Aug. 1, 2015 Ever wanted to be in a frat without the booze? The Peace Corps without the credit? Boy Scouts without the fire? JOIN ALPHA PHI OMEGA! Focus on…
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Gay Marriage Stance Added to Official List of Yoga Poses
By Alexander Dunlap May 26, 2015 Yoga practitioners faced an expanded repertoire last week, as new asanas were added by the Yoga Council to the official list of yoga poses. Most discussed among…