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Mrs. O’Leary’s Cow: “I am Not a Crook!”
By Breck Radulovic, 1871 Jan. 22, 2016 To the Editor: Recent accusations of arson against me have deeply troubled my conscience, and I am writing from the confines of Cook County jail to…
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Taking the Next Step Devolves into All-Out Fuckfest
By Nik Varley Jan. 11, 2016 Employees of the office of career advancement were surprised this Thursday when their Taking the Next Step seminar devolved into an all– out fuckfest. Students, faculty, and…
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Female Philosophy Major Thought Experiments With Women
By Daniel Ruttenberg Dec. 31, 2015 According to Shady Dealer reporters, at Bar Night on January 6, y 10th, third-year Lisa D’Angelo thought experimented for the first time with a woman by, as…
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US News Releases Rankings of Most Prestigious Prisons
By Nik Varley Nov. 12, 2015 Earlier this week, US News and World Report released their annual rankings of the nation’s most prestigious prisons. The 5 top top 5 ranked prisons have been…
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Blackouts End as Gentrification Begins
By Grace Quigley Nov. 2, 2015 DETROIT– Economists and demographers have noted a distinct negative correlation between blackouts and gentrification in certain neighborhoods here following the Great Recession of 2008. .In the turmoil…
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Used Tissue Re-evaluated
By Morgan Pantuck Oct. 19, 2015 According to eyewitness reports, area flu-victim Walter Atkins was forced to re-evaluate the feasibility of continuing to blow his nose into a tissue that he had already…
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Botany Pond Opens For New Year of Swimming
By Willamina Greothing Sept. 22, 2015
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Words With the Highest Social Capital
By Mary Vansuch July 28, 2015 Dinner party swag Yaaaaaaaasssssss (careful on spelling; this can dramatically change the value) Authentically Crafted Peoples of Smashing Freely Traded and Organically Grown Swagger Calumet Fisheries Children,…
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What’s Better Than A Vaccine?
By Willamina Groething May 26, 2015 In a recent study conducted by some mommybloggers you know personally and definitely trust, 374 items were tested, and these 15 were found to be objectively better…
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None of Us Have Ever Had Sex
By Editorial Bored April 23, 2015 Okay, you got us! There’s no use hiding it, so you might as well know. What gave it away? Was it that headline up there? Well, you…