By Morgan Pantuck May 14, 2016 The University is extremely pleased to announce that the Mansueto Library is currently expecting her first child. Rumors have been circulating for some time about Manseuto’s “[baby]…

By Adam Lowinger May 13, 2016 In response to the Nnews that President Barack Obama’s eEldest daughter, Malia, will be attending Harvard after taking a gap year, the University of Chicago has decided…

By Nico Aldape April 23, 2016 Though he has been in office for over five months now, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau continues to make waves through his embrace of social change and…

By Walker King Feb. 22, 2016 I was going through my old boxes of high school things the other day when I came across an old mixtape. , https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1v2eMiNl1Tz2W6w0n-ha43XrxxsRrzWw_OiK_ola-s6w/edit?usp=sharingRRachel, mMmy high school girlfriend,…

By Jacob Levin Feb. 16, 2016 According to sources close to the Shady Dealer, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg sent out a mass email this Sunday to over 100 of her colleagues…

By Adam Lowinger Jan. 22, 2016 After rigorous pseudo-investigation of natural phenomena, physicians around the European continent are excited to report the discovery of a fifth humor: ectoplasm. The discovery of this humor…

By Sam Zoeller Jan. 4, 2016 Montclair, New Jersey – Amelia Peterson, a first year at The College, has received several stern looks from high school acquaintances after following random groups of girls…

By Alan Rogers Dec. 31, 2015 The wind in my hair, the dewy sheen of sweat upon my forehead, the screams of pedestrians… Ah, yes. My name is Alan Rogers and I love…

By Daniel Ruttenberg Nov. 12, 2015 I’ve let this go on for long enough, Pat. I know you’re just jacking off in your room. I’m not buying the “sexile” routine again. You really…

By John Veillette Oct. 31, 2015 In Genesis, the God character, who is of course just a character because a divine being is a fiction for those too weak to face the realities…