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Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    143 Likes on Facebook? This Wasn’t Worth Writing a Thesis For

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Chase Harrison May 16, 2016 8 months. 40 books. 9 drafts. 30 meetings with my advisersor. 9 all– nighters. 90 pages. And all I get are 143 likes on Facebook. Are you…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Local Couple Announce Relationship has Been Cancelled

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Katie Zellner May 13, 2016 Jen Karamchandny and Joe Gaddis have announced that they are discontinuing their relationship after a successful three season run. Mutual friend and self-described producer of the relationship,…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Student Bouncing Leg Up and Down Shows No Sign of Stopping

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nik Varley April 23, 2016 SourcesStudents in Professor Pierce Jackson’s SOSC 113 class informed confirmed that fellow studenttThe Dealer that student Graham Larson began bouncing his right leg up and down at…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    First-Year Encourages Voting

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Morgan Pantuck March 13, 2016 Just moments ago, first-year student and budding political activist Marissa Newbolt encouraged her Facebook friends, 99% of whom support the Democratic Party, to vote in the upcoming…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    An Open Letter to My House Wellczar

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Abigail Fitsworth Feb. 18, 2016 Dear Sir or Madam: Upon moving into residential housing as a first year, I was delighted to learn about the existence of “Wellczars,” such as yourself, whose…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Founding Fathers Strike Ben Franklin’s “Free Love” Amendment from Bill of Rights

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nik Varley, 1787 Jan. 22, 2016 Sources at the Constitutional Convention told Sources at the Constitutional Convention told the Shady Dealer this morning that the American Constitution will not include Ben Franklin’s…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Bernie Sanders Leans Too Far Left in Debate; Falls Down

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Anna Newport Jan. 18, 2016 Charleston, S.C. –—- Tragedy was narrowly averted at the Democratic debate Sunday night when Bernie Sanders, the 74-year-old Senator from Vermont, leaned too far left in his…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Area Student Doing Pretty Well at Facebook

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nik Varley Dec. 31, 2015 Sources close to area student Todd Braxton confirmed today that the local teen is “doing pretty well on Facebook.” Braxton’s friend Steve Ackerman elaborated. “Things are really…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Let’s Talk Honestly About Women’s Body Image Issues

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Anna Newport Nov. 17, 2015 Since the brink of modernity, we have made great strides in dealing with women’s body image issues — Spanx, the color black, Retinol cream. But Lladies, can’t…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Donald Trump Announces Presidential Victory

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Reed Thurston Nov. 11, 2015 In a shocking turn of political events, presidential candidate Donald Trump announced at a press hearing last friday that he has pre-emptively won the race for the…

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