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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Breaking: Pi Beta Phi Sacrifices Pledge in Satanic Arrowfest Ritual

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nik Varley Jan. 27, 2017 Mandel Hall – 9:30 P.M. Following reports of screams, chaos, and general unrest at Mandel Hall, eyewitnesses have confirmed that the sisters of Pi Beta Phi began…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Op-Ed: I Have No Idea How Rechargeable Batteries Work and Neither Do You

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Antonia Salisbury Jan. 9, 2017 Modern life ishas been plagued by the pervasive misconception that we all understand how rechargeable batteries work. But we don’t. You don’t get it, I don’t get…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Opinion: Non-Biology Students Should Get to Do Dissections Too

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Milena Pross Nov. 15, 2016 I was recently informed that many students, specifically biological science majors, are frequently given the opportunity to wear gloves and dissect hearts, brains, eyes, and other organs…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Am I Happy in this Relationship or Am I Just Passing Math?

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Baunnee Martinez Nov. 12, 2016 The soft, silky sheet. The streaks of gray that flutter across the page. The brush of the red pen on the the top corner of the calculus…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    New in Literature: Fifty Shades of Maroon, a Glimpse into the Secret Life of Dean John W. Boyer

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By M.E.M.E. Oct. 17, 2016 When a third3rd year Shady Dealer reporter goes to interview American historian and Dean of the College at the University of Chicago, John W. Boyer, he encounters a…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    I Don’t Know Whether I Want to Spend Family Weekend With My Parents or the Pope

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Sofia Garcia Oct. 12, 2016 Family Weekend is here, which means that students will get the opportunity to spend the weekend with their parents in what is sure to be an emotional…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Counterpoint: You Are Crying at a Cheerio

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Morgan’s Sense of Self Awareness Aug. 21, 2016 I’m not going to deny that we live in a male-dominated society which consistently attempts to delegitimize the female experience. However, you are currently…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    We Fucking Hate Pandas

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By University Administration July 8, 2016 Over the past few years, the UChicago Office of Sustainability has worked with campus and community partners on several important projects, including ventures to improve waste reduction…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Area Man totally would have gotten that Goldman Sachs Internship had he applied

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Liam Coles May 13, 2016 Today at around 5PM CST Second Year Economics Major Kenneth Moore was seen overtly lying about his marketability and desirability in the A level of the Regenstein…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Pope Francis and Bernie Sanders Team Up to Become Crime-Fighting Team

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Adam Lowinger May 2, 2016 FollowingAs a result of their brief meeting in the Vatican, in which the two discussed their shared ideology concerning globabl poverty, Pope Francis and Vermont Senator Bernie…

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Read It and Weep

  • Say It With Me: Zero-Hours Contract is the Best Contract!
  • Automated Bobbin-Changing Equipment Threatens Job Security of 9-Year-Olds
  • Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg
  • Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”
  • After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”
  • Stephen Cole Kleene Invents Formal Languages, Causing War
  • UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals
  • White House Rushes to Explain Correlation Not Causation Following JD Vance Pope Visit
  • Interview: Debate Over Politics Blossoms Into Lifelong Friendship
  • Citizen App Provides Notice About Hyde Park Crimes: Dog Poop on Sidewalk, Premarital Handholding

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