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Who Said it? Bachelorette Contestant or a White House Communications Director
By Teddy Zamborsky Aug. 2, 2017 Who Said It: A Bachelorette Contestant or A Former White House Communications Director? 1. “You’re damn right I enjoy pissing him off.” Bachelorette Contestant or Communications Director?…
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Entire Class of 2021 Named “Melvin”
By Jacob Johnson April 25, 2017 Jacob Johnson Entire Class of 2021 Named “Melvin” In an inexplicable turn of events, the University’s Office of Admissions confirmed this Sunday that the entire incoming class…
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Best Friend Fails to Justify Crush’s Tinder Behavior
By Morgan Pantuck April 17, 2017 Best Friend Fails to Justify Crush’s Tinder BehaviorBy Morgan Pantuck Reports indicate that local BFF Miranda Weinberg is rapidly running out of convincing reasons why your crush,…
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Discovered: Office Memos Between DOJ District Attorneys and Jeff Sessions
By Nico Aldape March 11, 2017 Memo from DOJ District Attorneys to AG Jeff Sessions: Why Don’t You Resign? Dear Attorney General: Let’s just get straight to the point. I don’t want to dilly-dally…
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Holy Shit, a Big Horse!
By Trojans, 1300 BCE Feb. 6, 2017 Hey guys, you see this? By Aphrodite’s large busty blessing, how are we so lucky?. LOOK AT THIS BIG-G– ASS MOTHERFUCKING HORSE. What do you mean,…
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I Hate Spending So Much Time in the Reg
By Helen Regenstein, 1951 Feb. 2, 2017 Hey, can I bitch to you for a little? I’ve been spending way too much time in the Reg lately, a. And I hate it. The…
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119th Congress to conduct all business via 4chan.org/pol
By Dan Lastres Jan. 17, 2017 Ø Ø The freshly-inaugurated 119th Congress kicked off a historic session by rewriting the senate’s rules and regulations, requiring members to conduct all official business…
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Catholic Church Condemns Stem Cells as Tree Demons
By Marlin Figgins Dec. 8, 2016 The Pope himself, in a grand battle to win back many souls of Catholics everywhere, (especially Long Island, New York), announced that stem cells are not the…
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Perfect Holiday Gifts for that One Friend Who Struggles with Object Permanence
By Antonia Salisbury Nov. 15, 2016 We all have that one special person in our lives who still gets a kick out of playing peek-a-boo. So this holiday season, let your object-permanence-challenged someone…
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OMG Christmas and Hanukkah are going to be on the same day!
By Adam Lowinger Nov. 10, 2016 Point: I am so excited to for Hanukkah’s 1st night to be Christmas this year. The last time the two coincided was in 1959, and it won’t…
