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University Completes 80-Year Burton-Judson Hyphenation Project
By Thomas Noriega March 2, 2017 In a university-first eventFor the first time in the In a university-first event, our oldest south-side dorm has been hyphenated from the ground-up. After the runaway successes…
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Six Things Every Schoolchild Should Know Before We Send Them To The Mines
By Rudolf Steiner, 1907 Feb. 6, 2017 Kids these days have all sorts of fun in school, but are they really learning enough to prepare them for a life of coal? I’m Rudolf…
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Bronze Dagger 6S Officially Revealed
By Adam Lowinger Feb. 1, 2017 At a bonfire gathering yesterday, a representative of Pomegranate Caravan unveiled the design for the new Bronze Dagger 6Ss. The gathering showed off the weapon’s new features:…
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“There’s No Money for a Living Wage,” Announces Zimmer from $30 Million Dollar Francis and Rose Yuen Center in Hong Kong
By Chase Harrison Jan. 17, 2017 With his voice echoing through the 70 foot tall glass ceiling of the lobby of the Francis and Rose Yuen Center, UChicago President Robert Zimmer announced that…
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Opinion: If You Eat Prosciutto, You Are No Longer a Member of the Proletariat
By Nico Aldape Nov. 25, 2016 The current state of our capitalist system is dire. We need everyoneall people we can to turn back the rising tide of the neo-fascist, white supremacist bourgeoisie.…
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FDA Approves Fuckboy Cones
By Morgan Pantuck Nov. 14, 2016 In a stunning announcement earlier this week, US Food and Drug Administration (FDA) approved a New Technology Application for the controversial “Fuckboy Cones” patented by Merck &…
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Local First-Year Does Awesome Borat Voice
By Reed Thurston Nov. 2, 2016 youLocal First-Year Does Awesome Borat VoiceCHICAGO, IL — In what eyewitnesses are referring to as a “masterful” and “evocative” recollection of pop culture quotation, first-year student Brian…
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Four Things to Do When You’re Sexiled
By Sue Donim Oct. 13, 2016 We’ve all been there. You‘re are making your way back to your dorm after a long night of studying, only to find a sock has been sloppily…
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Your Guide to the College Campus, Ghost by Ghost
By Dan Lastres Sept. 9, 2016 Burton and Judson Harry Judson and Ernest Burton, among the University’s first presidents, curmudgeonly float room to room bemoaning what the University has become since they ran…
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Naughty: Venn Diagrams With a Third Circle
By Daniel Ruttenberg July 31, 2016 Thanks for reading this issue of ThanksThanks for reading this issue of the Shady Dealer! You all deserve a surprise… a sexy surprise: Hide that from your…
