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Entire Class of 2016 Drowns
By Walker King Oct. 21, 2012 Tragedy struck the University of Chicago last week when the entire class of 2016 drowned in a series of freak accidents across the Chicago area. School officials…
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Days Before Christmas, Santa Claus Forced to Halt Gift Production Due to Government Shutdown
By Delilah Stellavic Dec. 23, 2018 When President Trump vetoed the Congressional budget plan that would have kept the federal government functioning through the end of 2018, he ensured the temporary closure of…
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Campus Casualties Escalate in War on Christmas
By Rahul Gupta Dec. 5, 2018 Dozens of students were sent to the University of Chicago hospital after a heated debate over the holiday season exploded into yet another battle in the global…
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New Doc Film Series: Dean Boyer’s Home Movies
By Kyle Oleksiuk Nov. 2, 2018 Fridays – Filmes de la Deane Since the first day he appeared on campus, a total ingénue, his mustache just budding on a downy and raisèd lip, John…
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Oops! I Thought Delta Epsilon was a Frat
By Kelly Tsing Sum Lo Oct. 26, 2018 When that cutie in my math class–Brad–asked if I was gonna do Delta Epsilon over the weekend, I got so excited that I screamed inside…
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Don’t Miss This Deal! Housing Offers Three Roommates for the Price of One
By Andy Hatem Sept. 24, 2018 Trying to decide if you should stay in housing next year? Check College Housing’s site for a deal you won’t want to miss! In the past,…
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Op-Ed: Bill Gates, Support Journalism On-Campus by Setting Up a Trust Fund For Us
By Ella Hester May 25, 2018 Dear Bill Gates, Thank you so much for buying property near our storied university. We have no clues as to your motivations, so we’re hoping you just…
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A Letter from the Vice Provost on Manifest Destiny: “To the Maroons of the Future”
By Killian Makepeace Warburton May 5, 2018 Chicago, 1895 The Shady Dealer staff was digging up the foundations of Cobb for no particular reason, and discovered a small metal capsule containing a letter…
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Paul Ryan Resigns: Plans to “Spend More Time Silently Staring at the Wall While Hugging His Knees”
By Nik Varley April 20, 2018 Speaker of the House Paul Ryan surprised Washington this week by announcing that he will not seek re-election in the upcoming midterms. The speaker is reportedly giving…
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Campus Blue Lights form Union
By Jalen Jiang Feb. 20, 2018 A contingent of campus-wide emergency phones voted in favor of forming a union, with 192 of the inanimate steel posts casting ‘YES’ votes over 95 ‘NO’…
