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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Low Self-Esteem Developing Tolerance to Paltry Facebook Notifications

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Dan Lastres March 1, 2015 First-year Phillip Bartecki reported Tuesday that the low-quality Facebook notifications he receives no longer lift his spirits the way they used to. “Birthday notifications from old high-school…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Crusaders Crucify Downside Old Gregorians

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Willamina Groething Feb. 1, 2015 WESTMALLE 8th of November in the Year of our Lord 1512 In what was termed a “demoralizing defeat,” the Belgian La-Cross team from the Abdij van Onze-Lieve-Vrouw…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    More Sightings of Area’s Wittiest Man

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Dan Lastres Dec. 31, 2014 As 2014 drew to a close, the Dealer received numerous reports of encounters with an exceedingly sharp-witted man in the area. claiming he would “see [us] next…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    News in Brief: October 9, 2014

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Chicago Shady Dealer Nov. 19, 2014 Free Condoms Removed from Campus as Part of New No Barriers Initiative Dean of Admissions James Nondorf announced Tuesday that, as part of the school’s new…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Lonely Lampshade Seeks Human Head

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Isaac Krone Nov. 16, 2014 Lampshade, red with lace edges, purchased last February to replace the one that Andre punched in half when he drank too much tequila. I’m a simple apparatus,…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Pope Ends Flirtation with Homosexuality

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Si Squires-Kasten Oct. 23, 2014 After a draft Vatican document calling for greater openness towards homosexuals was voted down by the Catholic synod on Saturday, several cardinals expressed relief that Pope Francis’s…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Evidence Suggest Shady Dealer Staff Innocent

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Daniel Moattar May 14, 2014 The editorial staff of The Chicago Shady Dealer is innocent, the balance of evidence suggests. The evidence, which is largely circumstantial, hinges on an unprovable assertion that…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Photoshopped Galaxy Sets Unrealistic Standards for Young Interstellar Matter

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Morgan Pantuck April 20, 2014 A young dust cloud at the grocery store with her mother sees a row of gossip magazines lining the checkout counter. She picks up a cover of…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Poverty Finally Solved When Everyone Just Tries Harder

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Daniel Moattar Feb. 24, 2014 A collaborative research project of the MIT Sloan School of Economics and the University of Chicago’s Becker Friedman Institute claims to have produced an unorthodox solution to…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Royal Academy of Arts Vienna Lowers Admissions Standards

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Isaac Krone (1947) Jan. 24, 2014 For nearly two hundred and fifty years, since our founding in 1698, it has been our goal to provide the greatest art education in the world…

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Read It and Weep

  • Automated Bobbin-Changing Equipment Threatens Job Security of 9-Year-Olds
  • Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg
  • Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”
  • After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”
  • Stephen Cole Kleene Invents Formal Languages, Causing War
  • UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals
  • White House Rushes to Explain Correlation Not Causation Following JD Vance Pope Visit
  • Interview: Debate Over Politics Blossoms Into Lifelong Friendship
  • Citizen App Provides Notice About Hyde Park Crimes: Dog Poop on Sidewalk, Premarital Handholding
  • Harper Releases New Specialty Drinks

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