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All Math Actually Special Case of Political Science
By Naftali Harris Nov. 9, 2013 Mathematicians around the world were devastated to learn yesterday that all mathematics is actually a special case of political theory. Professor John Mearsheimer, whose groundbreaking 1993 discoveries…
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Old White Man Painted
By Evan Bernstein Oct. 17, 2013 According to sources familiar with the matter, a portrait has been commissioned of Dr. Maxwell T. Pennyweather, President of the University of Chicago’s Wealth Studies program. Pennyweather…
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Report: Career-Ready Graduates Spent Four Years Writing Satire, Fake News
By DJ LoBraico June 1, 2013 According to a recent report commissioned by the Office of Career Advancement, three of the most marketable and career-ready members of the graduating College class of 2013…
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Senator Tammy Baldwin Comes Out as NBA Player
By Stephen Lurie April 29, 2013 In a move that is bound to shock the homosexual world, Senator Tammy Baldwin has revealed that she is a professional basketball player for the Milwaukee Bucks…
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Exclusive: Undercover UCPD Officers Rampant in University Administration
By Stephen Lurie March 4, 2013 A Chicago Shady Dealer investigation has uncovered indisputable evidence that police officers in the employ of the UCPD have been operating undercover in a wide array of…
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Meeting Minutes – October 10, 2000
By Design Committee – Gerald Ratner Athletics Center Feb. 6, 2013 ADMINISTRATION BUILDING, ROOM 301 Attendees Chairman of the Board of Trustees: Edgar D. Jannotta Vice-Chairman of the Board of Trustees: James S.…
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Lesser known UChicago alumni
By Nora Helfand Jan. 7, 2013 You all know David Axelrod, Nate Silver, Kurt Vonnegut, and Vixen; Edwin Hubble, John Ashcroft, Roger Ebert and Blitzen. But do you recall the most obscure College…
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Professor dismissed after students found chained to wall in controversial Plato lecture
By Walker King Nov. 12, 2012 Details have just begun to emerge regarding the conditions in Professor Barry Heitzmans section of the Greek Thought and Literature class, where students were reportedly kept chained…
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Review: Wolfschmidt Genuine Vodka
By Matt Montequin Oct. 25, 2012 You may remember vodka from high school. All vodka is essentially rubbing alcohol, or so you thought on prom night. If you are a premium adult beverage…
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Citizens Worried Proposed Single Payer System Will Force Them to Change Leech Provider
Washington, D.C., 1860 Citizens across the country have expressed concern that a proposed single-payer healthcare system would limit their choice of which breeder supplies their medical leeches. The proposed reforms, informally dubbed LeechCare,…
