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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    How To Tell If Your Tinder Date Is Actually Danny DeVito In Drag

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Ryan Fleishman Nov. 13, 2016 Have you ever had a wonderful conversation with someone special over Tinder, and then set up a date at a local café? Did you meet up with…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    University Announces Committee on Public Safety

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Teddy Zamborsky Oct. 18, 2016 University Announces Committee on Public Safety In response to what has been referred to ascalled “disruptive student protests,”, University Provost Eric Isaacs announced the re-establishment of the…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    10 Negs That’ll Seduce Any HUM Professor

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Jack U. Leighton Oct. 12, 2016 Nice Diploma, is it real? Weren’t you wearing that last class? Aww, that’s really cute. You pout a little when you talk about Ovid. You wearing…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Five Jewish Boys My Daughter Should Date

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Morgan Pantuck’s Mom Aug. 21, 2016 Jacob: Dad’s tennis buddy has a son named Jacob who’s a pre-med at Northwestern. I gave his mom your cell phone number, so look out for…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Help! The Moldy Banana I Accidentally Left in Storage Has Achieved Sentience

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Jacob Johnson July 23, 2016 Look, we’ve all been there. You open one of the boxes you stored before you left last June, and your nose is suddenly met with the pungent…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    North Residence Hall Renamed Following Donation From Dickwad Fuckwit

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Morgan Pantuck May 13, 2016 The University of Chicago released an official statement this morning confirming that famed alumnus and billionaire philanthropist Dickwad Fuckwit will be donating nearly $70 million to the…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Suspicious: Every College Council Member is EXACTLY 6’2”

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Milena Pross May 6, 2016 Okay, something’s up and I can’t be the only one to notice it. I’m not normally one to dive into conspiracy theories, but there are just too…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Let’s Network Together

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Diane Zimmerman April 22, 2016 I am an ambitious young professional, and I think I could learn a lot from networking with you. I want to show you that I am an…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Report: 80% of all SOSC Students Are White Guys with Tortoise Shell Glasses

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Chase Harrison Feb. 18, 2016 Despite overall campus diversity statistics , a recent study by the Shady Dealer revealed that 80% of the people in your students in SOSC classes, college-wide, are…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Iowa Caucus Thrusts Itself into Tight Campaign

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Zachary Spitz Feb. 2, 2016 On Monday, after months of vigorous campaigning across the state of Iowa, Sen. Ted Cruz of Texas wascame out on the receiving end of a massive caucus.…

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Read It and Weep

  • Disgusting Mouse Cartoon Repulses Nation
  • Point: Your Country’s Science Education is Lacking; Counterpoint: WE GOT THE MOON FIRST CRY ABOUT IT
  • U.S. Declares Victory in Cold War as Bush Shellacs Gorbachev in Potato Sack Race
  • Richard Nixon Dazzles Nation With Beautiful Swimsuit Bod
  • Pigs Rooted Out of Truffle-Hunting Business by Sick New Dog Breed
  • New Statement From Hitler: “After Poland I’m Done Bro, Trust Me Bro, Deadass”
  • They wouldn’t let me into the Donner party and I am IRATE
  • Crazy New Party Drug Also Good for Surgery
  • 5 Tips to Make Sure You’re the King’s Top Mistress
  • Simone De Beauvoir Cancels Long-Awaited Sequel The Third Sex

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