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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Bob Avakian has best Quarter yet, Announces 5 New Series

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Philip O’Sullivan Nov. 14, 2016 Communist Revolutionary and author of the book New Communism Bob Avakian recently announced that Q3 of 2016 was his best quarter yet, bringing in a record $6.1…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Russian Cyber-Intelligence Retaliation Reveals Four of Eleven Secret Herbs & Spices

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Reed Thurston Nov. 1, 2016 Russian Cyber-Intelligence Retaliation Reveals 4 of 11 Secret Herbs & SpicesWASHINGTON, D.C.— Following the virtual attack which leaked politically sensitive information from the Democratic National Committee in…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    First Year Struggles to Hide Stolen Condoms Before Family Weekend

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Marlin Figgins Oct. 12, 2016 First –year Jameson A. Delaney, who requested to be called by his stage name “Jay D- Lane”, is now releasing his first single, which is based on…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    10 Times Your Lab Partner Wasn’t Actually Flirting with You

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Katie Zellner and Morgan Pantuck Sept. 7, 2016 By Katie Zellner and Morgan Pantuck 1. When he invited you over to look at his sheets. Unfortunately, those weren’t 400-thread-count Egyptian cotton, but…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Omance Goes Oorly

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Daniel Ruttenberg July 31, 2016 A recent Omance between Benjamin Brooks and Cate Preston has gone Oorly, according to anonymous Ources. The Ources say Brooks and Preston Oth live in Ony Island…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Jeb and Hillary Launch New Line of Cooking Utensils

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Paul Alves May 14, 2016 Jeb! and Hillary Clinton have announced a joint effort to stop the political momentum of Donald Trump: a brand new campaign cooking line. This line of accoutrements will help…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Murdered Statistician Found Normally Distributed

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nico Aldape May 13, 2016 In a recent study published by multiple members of the University of Chicago Department of Statistics, recently murdered deceased statistics professor Angelino Drinkwater has been found uniformlynormally…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    My Three-Star Review of Getting Dominos to Bake Me Into A Pizza

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Teddy Zamborsky April 23, 2016 Last week, I convinced Domino’s Pizza to bake me into a giant pie. A pizza pie. Like tThe kind with cheese, not fruit. Look at the picture,.…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    The University of Chicago Systematically Discriminates Against the Moronic

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Juan Caicedo Feb. 19, 2016 Western society already trails a long litany of discrimination behind it, including racism, homophobia, and misogyny. But so far one form of discrimination has been left out:…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Dean Ellison Spends Romantic Valentine’s Day Answering Emails from Risk Management

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Walker King Feb. 15, 2016 John “Jay” Ellison, Dean of Students in the College at the University of Chicago, spent a romantic and relaxing Valentine’s Day alone in his office, primarily responding…

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Read It and Weep

  • “Have You Heard of Dr. Seuss?” Asks Guy Who Just Found Out About Dr. Seuss
  • First-Year Declares Intent to Speed-Run College
  • White House Downplays Reports of Trump, Epstein “I Heart Pedophilia” Friendship Bracelets
  • Virtual Reality Game Sucker Debuts to Much Fanfare
  • Hear! Hear! Selling 10 Packs of Light Bulbs for the Low Price of $1500
  • UChicago Requires Library+ to Access Books
  • Point: We Should Increase Fire Drills/Counterpoint: Let’s Add A Gym Requirement Instead
  • Apply for the Royal Internship
  • Bridge Between Quad and Reg Somehow Collapses Despite Being Solid Road
  • “Back to Basics” Aims of Education Address Stresses, Shapes, Counting

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