The Chicago Shady Dealer
  • Home
  • About Us
  • Previous Issues
  • Our Greatest Hits
  • Submissions
  • Home
  • About Us
  • Previous Issues
  • Our Greatest Hits
  • Submissions

Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Chicago Scientists Discover that the First Eukaryotic Cell was a Giant Asshole

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Marlin Figgins, Primordial Soup, 1.5 Billion Years Ago Feb. 6, 2017 In a new groundbreaking new study, microbiologists have been able to finally decipher cellular signals used by early prokaryotes. To the…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Tips for Giving Blowjobs with Wooden Teeth

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By George Washington, 1789 Feb. 2, 2017 This article is for all the sexy women (and men!) out there with a little wood in their teeth that don’t wanna let that get in…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Ø 119th Congress to conduct all business via 4chan.org/pol

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Jack U. Leighton Jan. 17, 2017 Ø  119th Congress to conduct all business via 4chan.org/pol     Ø  The freshly-inaugurated 119th Congress kicked off a historic session by rewriting the senate’s rules…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Provost’s Typo Blamed for Epidemic of Open Intercourse All over Campus

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Dan Lastres Dec. 22, 2016 p.p1 {margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px ‘Trebuchet MS’; -webkit-text-stroke: #000000} p.p2 {margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px ‘Trebuchet MS’; -webkit-text-stroke: #000000; min-height: 14.0px} span.s1…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    United States Agree to Amicable Separation, Splits into Seven New Countries

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Willamina Groething Nov. 15, 2016 The United States of America confirmed this week that they have separated into seven distinct sovereign nationsstates. The countriey’s‘ media representative told the Shady Dealer that the…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    10 Reasons to Have Sex with Everyone in Your House

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Marlin Figgins Nov. 12, 2016 1. Sex 2. Networking 3. They said college was for experimenting 4. Reduced travel time between hookups 5. Everyone will know your name 6. More sex 7.…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Five Fun, Unique Places to Throw Up in Your Residence Hall

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nik Varley Oct. 14, 2016 When you’re meeting people ina college, it’s important to make a splash. O-Wweek is a time to show people who you really are, and establish yourself as…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Climate Study Finds Place With Highest Temperature Extremes Hot Pocket in Lab Microwave

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nico Aldape Oct. 10, 2016 After reaching the scientific conclusion that “this doesn’t look anything like the one on the box,” a University of Chicago Department of Geophysical Sciences study has found…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    12 Apostles Ranked According to Attractiveness

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Liam Coles May 13, 2016 12) Thomas: People like men with conviction. 11) Matthew: Taxes suck. 10) James: Not even mentioned in John’s Gospel. 9) Phillip: Cute but not even miraculous. 8)…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Area Student Fantasizes About Mean Course Evaluation

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Morgan Pantuck May 30, 2016 According to those familiar with the situation, area student Margaret Ennis has been experiencing a highly erotic fantasy wherein she writes a mean course evaluation for her…

    read more
 Older Posts
Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

  • Say It With Me: Zero-Hours Contract is the Best Contract!
  • Automated Bobbin-Changing Equipment Threatens Job Security of 9-Year-Olds
  • Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg
  • Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”
  • After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”
  • Stephen Cole Kleene Invents Formal Languages, Causing War
  • UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals
  • White House Rushes to Explain Correlation Not Causation Following JD Vance Pope Visit
  • Interview: Debate Over Politics Blossoms Into Lifelong Friendship
  • Citizen App Provides Notice About Hyde Park Crimes: Dog Poop on Sidewalk, Premarital Handholding

Chicago Shady Dealer

  • Home
  • About Us
  • Previous Issues
  • Our Greatest Hits
  • Submissions

Archives

Categories

For Writers

  • Log in
  • Entries feed
  • Comments feed
  • WordPress.org
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Instagram
© 2025 Chicago Shady Dealer
  • Home
  • About Us
  • Previous Issues
  • Our Greatest Hits
  • Submissions
Ashe Theme by WP Royal.