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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Top Campus Cafés Ranked by Sexual Tension

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Antonia Salisbury Feb. 20, 2018 So you came here to study? Well, we all “came here to study,” kid. That doesn’t mean you can’t check out the tall glass of iced coffee…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Seven Healthy Butter Substitutes

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Megan Parsons Jan. 29, 2018 Hey there, everyone, Megan here, aka Meg, aka Super Mommy. Trying to eat healthier in 2018? Have no fear! Eating well can be daunting, but these seven…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Six Animals the Div School Wouldn’t Allow Me to Give DMT

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nik Varley Oct. 17, 2017 Do animals have souls? Does God speak to them? What happens if you give them a ton of DMT? These are the questions I hoped to answer…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Letter from the Editors

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By James Ekstrom and Christopher Deakin Aug. 6, 2013 Dear Reader, As a First Year, just beginning your college career, you are beset with Orientators, persons of medium authority attempting to orient your…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Disappointing Dollar Shake Shatters First Year

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By By Thomas Noriega Aug. 17, 2017 As everyone on campus knows, students can get milkshakes in Reynolds Club for a dollar every Wednesday. Newly-minted first year Daniella Heinz had heard all about…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Wall Street Is Filled With Evil Capitalist Scum Except My Dad

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Ryan Fleishman May 11, 2017 Wall Street Is Filled With Evil Capitalist Scum Except My DadListen up, sheeple. Now that you’ve spent some time at the University of Chicago, you should be…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    February Prospie Not Present at April Overnight

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Adam Lowinger April 20, 2017 February Prospie Not present at April Overnight Sources within the University of Chicago have confirmed that February overnight attendee Stewart Lawson was not present for either of…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Study from Center for Practical Wisdom Asserts, “This Was a Complete Waste of Money”

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Dan Lastres March 25, 2017 AA report published by the University of Chicago’s Center for Ppractical Wwisdom declares that the Center for Practical Wisdom is “a complete waste of money.” After considering…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Senior Class Gift

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Jack Hoff and Jill Ng Feb. 22, 2017 Dear Class of 2017, We know you’re all anxious to step over the threshold of college and into the bedroom of life, ready to…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    I Should Really Get Into This Housing Market

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Ryan Fleishman, 2008 Feb. 5, 2017 I Should Really Get Into This Housing MarketAfter saving every extra penny I could make over the last 40 years of my life, I believe it…

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Read It and Weep

  • Disgusting Mouse Cartoon Repulses Nation
  • Point: Your Country’s Science Education is Lacking; Counterpoint: WE GOT THE MOON FIRST CRY ABOUT IT
  • U.S. Declares Victory in Cold War as Bush Shellacs Gorbachev in Potato Sack Race
  • Richard Nixon Dazzles Nation With Beautiful Swimsuit Bod
  • Pigs Rooted Out of Truffle-Hunting Business by Sick New Dog Breed
  • New Statement From Hitler: “After Poland I’m Done Bro, Trust Me Bro, Deadass”
  • They wouldn’t let me into the Donner party and I am IRATE
  • Crazy New Party Drug Also Good for Surgery
  • 5 Tips to Make Sure You’re the King’s Top Mistress
  • Simone De Beauvoir Cancels Long-Awaited Sequel The Third Sex

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