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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Lil Uzi Vert Wins Winter Olympic Gold in Men’s Freestyle

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By By Ryan Fleishman Feb. 20, 2018 In an upset victory sure to define American sports for years to come, Lil Uzi Vert has officially won the Olympic gold medal in Men’s Freestyle…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Dean Ellison Is Always Naked Under His Clothes and I Hate It

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Concerned Reader Oct. 18, 2017 I wish to call your attention to a horrific fact. John “Jay” Ellison, Dean of Students at the University of Chicago, is naked under his clothes. Let…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Paul Manafort Falls for the Ol’ “Diplomatic Immunity Under a Box Propped Up by a Stick” Trick

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By By Reed Thurston Oct. 17, 2017 According to our political correspondents in Washington, D.C., the ongoing federal Investigation into Russia’s 2016 election interferenceinfluence made new headway earlier this week i in the…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    5 Things You CAN Stare at directly

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nik Varley Aug. 23, 2017 The Solar Eclipse has come and gone, which means that you can go back to staring at anything for as long as you want! Here are our…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Who Said it? Bachelorette Contestant or a White House Communications Director

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Teddy Zamborsky Aug. 2, 2017 Who Said It: A Bachelorette Contestant or A Former White House Communications Director? 1. “You’re damn right I enjoy pissing him off.” Bachelorette Contestant or Communications Director?…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Entire Class of 2021 Named “Melvin”

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Jacob Johnson April 25, 2017 Jacob Johnson Entire Class of 2021 Named “Melvin” In an inexplicable turn of events, the University’s Office of Admissions confirmed this Sunday that the entire incoming class…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Best Friend Fails to Justify Crush’s Tinder Behavior

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Morgan Pantuck April 17, 2017 Best Friend Fails to Justify Crush’s Tinder BehaviorBy Morgan Pantuck Reports indicate that local BFF Miranda Weinberg is rapidly running out of convincing reasons why your crush,…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Discovered: Office Memos Between DOJ District Attorneys and Jeff Sessions

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nico Aldape March 11, 2017 Memo from DOJ District Attorneys to AG Jeff Sessions: Why Don’t You Resign? Dear Attorney General: Let’s just get straight to the point. I don’t want to dilly-dally…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Holy Shit, a Big Horse!

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Trojans, 1300 BCE Feb. 6, 2017 Hey guys, you see this? By Aphrodite’s large busty blessing, how are we so lucky?. LOOK AT THIS BIG-G– ASS MOTHERFUCKING HORSE. What do you mean,…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    I Hate Spending So Much Time in the Reg

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Helen Regenstein, 1951 Feb. 2, 2017 Hey, can I bitch to you for a little? I’ve been spending way too much time in the Reg lately, a. And I hate it. The…

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Read It and Weep

  • Disgusting Mouse Cartoon Repulses Nation
  • Point: Your Country’s Science Education is Lacking; Counterpoint: WE GOT THE MOON FIRST CRY ABOUT IT
  • U.S. Declares Victory in Cold War as Bush Shellacs Gorbachev in Potato Sack Race
  • Richard Nixon Dazzles Nation With Beautiful Swimsuit Bod
  • Pigs Rooted Out of Truffle-Hunting Business by Sick New Dog Breed
  • New Statement From Hitler: “After Poland I’m Done Bro, Trust Me Bro, Deadass”
  • They wouldn’t let me into the Donner party and I am IRATE
  • Crazy New Party Drug Also Good for Surgery
  • 5 Tips to Make Sure You’re the King’s Top Mistress
  • Simone De Beauvoir Cancels Long-Awaited Sequel The Third Sex

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