-
New Realistic Barbie to Have Anxiety, Depression
By Morgan Pantuck April 23, 2015 Parents and children alike are buzzing with excitement over Mattel, Inc.’s recent announcement that the company will release a new, realistic Barbie doll this summer, “Sad-Feelings Sandra.”…
-
20 Best Fundamentals Questions
By Milena Pross March 1, 2015 The “Fundamentals: Issues and Texts” concentration is an interdisciplinary program in which a student poses a question about human existence and spends the next three years attempting…
-
Eight Helpful Tips for Couples Trying to Start a Family
By Evan Bernstein Feb. 1, 2015 BIRMINGHAM, 1898 – Children are miracles of life and they bring joy to the world. It’s no wonder they’re in such high demand. Everywhere you look it…
-
After Brief Contemplation, God Decides He’s on Board with Genocide
By Isaac Krone Dec. 31, 2014 After decades of inequality and economic tension ignited a brutal ethnic conflict in the Middle East earlier this week, God, the all-loving, all-powerful creator of the universe…
-
News in Brief: October 23, 2014
By Chicago Shady Dealer Nov. 19, 2014 “Student” “Government” “Earns” “Stipend” The “University” of “Chicago” “Student” “Government” “voted” Thursday to establish a “new” “executive” committee whose five “members” would be “granted” $1000 “stipends”…
-
GPA Fellates Student
By Pseudonym Nov. 16, 2014 Sources confirm that student Giles Froman received fellatio from his grade point average on the second floor of Max Palevksy Residential College last Friday night. Though there were…
-
Therapy Dogs Wracked with “Feelings of Inadequacy” upon Arrival at UChicago
By Si Squires-Kasten Oct. 23, 2014 A report released Thursday by the University’s Health Promotion and Wellness department confirmed that several puppies brought onto campus as part of the Pet Love program have…
-
Human Cannonball Enters the Canon
By Daniel Moattar May 14, 2014 The Human Cannonball has entered the canon, observers report. The release of The Cannonball has been heralded as “a major event in the world of entertainment” for…
-
25 Years Since 1990
By Evan Bernstein April 20, 2014 1. 1991 2. 1992 3. 1993 4. 1994 5. 1995 6. 1996 7. 1997 8. 1998 9. 1999 10. 2000 11. 2001 12. 2002 14. 2003 15.…
-
God to Take Matters into Own Hands
By Daniel Moattar Feb. 24, 2014 Citing “grave misconduct,” “lack of accountability,” and “continually declining standards,” area deity God has committed to restoring direct oversight of Earth and surrounding areas beginning in fiscal…
