By Marlin Figgins Oct. 19, 2016 1. Syphillis 2. A Bald Spot 3. Athlete’s Foot 4. Athlete’s Gooch 5. 4 Other Types of Fungus 6. A Surprisingly Dry Handjob 7. Very Slippery 8.…

By Jacob Johnson Oct. 12, 2016 I’ll be honest with you guys –. I didn’t mean to request a Pool. My finger slipped, and I didn’t notice until it was too late. But…

By Dean Nondorf Aug. 21, 2016 Dear incoming first-years, Welcome to the University of Chicago! We hope your journeys to Hyde Park were intellectually stimulating. You’ll need a clever anecdote to share with…

By Matthew Goldenberg and Walker King Aug. 17, 2015 Dear Members of the UChicago Community, It’s with a heavy heart that we announce the return of the Chicago Shady Dealer for another year…

By Ryan Fleishman May 14, 2016 After a 5-year-long struggle against prostate cancer, University of Chicago hieroglyphics expert Canute Erickson finally overcame his often lethal illness. However, he wasgot hit by a red…

By Teddy Zamborsky May 13, 2016 1. Exile on Mainstreet – The Rolling Stones Can you think of a better album to shake your hips,s, and your spidermonkey, to in its original analog…

By Morgan Pantuck April 22, 2016 Chicago Aauthorities were shocked earlier this week by the discovery of a feral child in Chicago, Illinois whom they believe to have been raised by an improv…

By Ryan Fleishman Feb. 19, 2016 After searching through pirating websites desperately this Sunday for Kanye’s new album to download illegally through their chosen torrent client, critics agree that Kanye’s The Life of…

By Marco Rubio Feb. 2, 2016 Recently, there’s been a lot of talk about Donald Trump and his New York values. Values like yelling, rudeness, pickles, complaining, “‘fahgettingbout things“’, pigeons, and elitism. Well,…

By Daniel Ruttenberg, 1720 Jan. 22, 2016 Harriet Johnson: Look at Harriet! Walking around like she is not supposed to be carrying a baby on top of her other in her baby. That…