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Food And Drug Administration Issues Report Declaring “Both are Pretty Nice”
By Dan Lastres Jan. 17, 2017 On Tuesday, the FDA released its yearly report on the status of foods and drugs in America, concluding that “oOverall, both are pretty nice and we have…
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Everyone Has a Price. Mine Is Three Pickles.
By Marlin Figgins Dec. 8, 2016 I remember my first day in economics. The professor, who shall not be named for anonymity’s sake, went into his first lecture of the year beginning ,s.…
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UCPD Announces Plans to Float Hyde Park 200 Feet Above Rest of South Side
By Dan Lastres Nov. 15, 2016 Responding to a spate of home burglaries and street muggings, the University of Chicago Police Department announced, yesterday, a new plan to relocate Hyde Parkthe neighborhood 200ft…
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Linguists Plead for Desexualization of “Girth”
By Morgan Pantuck Nov. 8, 2016 Nearly 100 members of the Linguistic Society of America signed an open letter to the public this weekend detailing “the necessity of desexualizing the word ‘girth,’” the…
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Complaint: My U-Pass is Stuck in My Vagina
By Milena Pross Oct. 13, 2016 Last year, campus was torn apart by a divisive and polarizing referendum. Critics have referred to it as “Pre-Brexit Brexit” and “The War Between the States Between…
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Nerd Pretends to Follow MLB For World Series
By Philip O’Sullivan Oct. 10, 2016 A lLocal area Chicago nerd began his annual preparations for pretending to keep up with baseball for the upcoming World Series this year. The nerd, who earlier…
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Op-Ed: I’m Already Annoyed by My Roomate’s Laugh Track
By David North Aug. 1, 2016 I’ve been sharing a studio apartment with Todd Henderson for a couple of weeks now. I am writing this op-ed to recount my experiences living in this…
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BREAKING: Your Lab Partner Said Oops
By Morgan Pantuck May 16, 2016 In a terrifying moment that will surely haunt you for years to come, your biochemistry lab partner and resident imbecile Jason Lieberman just said the word “oops”…
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U of C Professor Publishes Breakthrough findings in Human Knot Theory:
By Alek Binion May 13, 2016 The University of Chicago mathematics department was abuzz this past Saturday after peer review determined the validity of faculty member Paul Phillips revolutionary findings in the already…
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Sexual Experimentation Fails Peer Review
By Morgan Pantuck and Reed Thurston April 23, 2016 A controversial study submitted to the New England Journal of Medicine was officially rejected for publication this past weekend following peer review. “Butt Stuff:…
