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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Uber Pool With Forty Clowns Surprisingly Comfortable

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Jacob Johnson Oct. 12, 2016 I’ll be honest with you guys –. I didn’t mean to request a Pool. My finger slipped, and I didn’t notice until it was too late. But…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Letter From the Office of Admissions

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Dean Nondorf Aug. 21, 2016 Dear incoming first-years, Welcome to the University of Chicago! We hope your journeys to Hyde Park were intellectually stimulating. You’ll need a clever anecdote to share with…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    A Letter from the Editors

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Matthew Goldenberg and Walker King Aug. 17, 2015 Dear Members of the UChicago Community, It’s with a heavy heart that we announce the return of the Chicago Shady Dealer for another year…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Late University Hieroglyph Researcher Leaves Extremely Confusing Will

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Ryan Fleishman May 14, 2016 After a 5-year-long struggle against prostate cancer, University of Chicago hieroglyphics expert Canute Erickson finally overcame his often lethal illness. However, he wasgot hit by a red…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    5 Albums You Should Only Masturbate To On Vinyl

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Teddy Zamborsky May 13, 2016 1. Exile on Mainstreet – The Rolling Stones Can you think of a better album to shake your hips,s, and your spidermonkey, to in its original analog…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Feral Child Raised by Improv Troupe

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Morgan Pantuck April 22, 2016 Chicago Aauthorities were shocked earlier this week by the discovery of a feral child in Chicago, Illinois whom they believe to have been raised by an improv…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Torrented New Kanye Album Ruled Best Virus Of All Time

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Ryan Fleishman Feb. 19, 2016 After searching through pirating websites desperately this Sunday for Kanye’s new album to download illegally through their chosen torrent client, critics agree that Kanye’s The Life of…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    America is Ready for Florida Values

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Marco Rubio Feb. 2, 2016 Recently, there’s been a lot of talk about Donald Trump and his New York values. Values like yelling, rudeness, pickles, complaining, “‘fahgettingbout things“’, pigeons, and elitism. Well,…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    6 Twenty-Somethings Who Have Only Had Two or Fewer Kids

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Daniel Ruttenberg, 1720 Jan. 22, 2016 Harriet Johnson: Look at Harriet! Walking around like she is not supposed to be carrying a baby on top of her other in her baby. That…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Tips to Spice Up Your Platonic Friend’s Sex Life

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Ryan Fleishman Jan. 4, 2016 Stock up on fun condoms. Your friend will appreciate the special twist on their sex life when you surprise them with a Trojan Fire & Ice Ultra-Thin…

    read more
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Read It and Weep

  • Point: Your Country’s Science Education is Lacking; Counterpoint: WE GOT THE MOON FIRST CRY ABOUT IT
  • U.S. Declares Victory in Cold War as Bush Shellacs Gorbachev in Potato Sack Race
  • Richard Nixon Dazzles Nation With Beautiful Swimsuit Bod
  • Pigs Rooted Out of Truffle-Hunting Business by Sick New Dog Breed
  • New Statement From Hitler: “After Poland I’m Done Bro, Trust Me Bro, Deadass”
  • They wouldn’t let me into the Donner party and I am IRATE
  • Crazy New Party Drug Also Good for Surgery
  • 5 Tips to Make Sure You’re the King’s Top Mistress
  • Simone De Beauvoir Cancels Long-Awaited Sequel The Third Sex
  • Union Army Morale Skyrockets After President Lincoln’s Stunning Kazoo Solo

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