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University Upgrades “No Barriers” Program To “Very Tall Ladders” Program
By Christopher Walker Feb. 6, 2017 This Friday, Dean Nondorf announced on Friday that the University’s “No Barriers” program of replacing loans with grants for low-income students would be upgraded to the “Very…
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We Are Living In A Post-Racial America
By Ryan Fleishman, 1840 Feb. 1, 2017 1840- My fellow citizens: I am proud to announce we are living in a post-racial America. That’s right;. aAfter decades on centuries of discrimination, we can…
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No, I’m Not a Fuccboi; Yes, I’m Sleeping with Both Girls in My SOSC Class
By Liam Coles Jan. 17, 2017 Recently, I had an experience, which I found not only wildly offensive but also frankly inaccurate. My good friend David and I were hanging out, and I…
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Ten Flavors of Chitterlings for Your Holiday Season
By Marlin Figgins Dec. 8, 2016 For the uninitiated, in most every household in the United States, the real star of any family meal is the chitterlings. Those sweet, foul-smelling pig parts could…
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OP-ED: Fuck, You’re Writing Another Paper About Carlos Santana, Aren’t You?
By Prof. David North Nov. 15, 2016 Dear Daniel, Look, Danny, I’m just as big of a fan of the 1970’s Mexican-American latin rock guitarist Carlos Santana as the next guy, but I’m…
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Kid Behind Me Won’t Stop Answering Rhetorical Questions in Class
By Jacob Johnson Nov. 8, 2016 “Why would anyone, for any reason, answer a rhetorical question? If you answered that question in your head just now, fuck you- you’re part of the problem.”…
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This Church is Loud Enough That You Can Probably Fart Without Anyone Noticing
By Nik Varley Oct. 14, 2016 Sources confirmed this morning there is enough ambient noise in St. Mary’s Episcopal church to mask the noise of the fart you are currently holding in. They…
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Quiz: Donald Trump Quote or Nickelback Lyric?
By Shira Eisenberg Oct. 10, 2016 Donald Trump Quote or Nickelback LyricSupporters of both problematic blonds are afraid to go public. by Shira Eisenberg 1. Let’s start off with an easy one: “When…
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Three Dead, Four Wounded in Deadly Political Correctness Attack
By Liam Coles Aug. 1, 2016 Philadelphia— The suicide bomber Justin Saeed ended up killing 3 and critically wounding 4 in what has been called a massive attack of political correctness. This Monday…
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First Year Was Fun, But Not as Fun as Space Mountain
By Nik Varley May 16, 2016 It feels like yesterday that my parents dropped me off into my new life at the University of Chicago. I remember being filled with nervous excitement that…
