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US News Ranked Us #3 For a Reason: Here’s How to Pee and Poop at the Same Time
By David North Sept. 24, 2018 This year, in their annual college rankings, U.S. News awarded the University of Chicago a seven-way tie for third-best university. The University of Chicago consistently tops…
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Discreet Mathematics Course To Be Held at 3 A.M. in Undisclosed Parking Garage
By Reed Thurston May 25, 2018 According to anonymous sources within the University’s Math department, a new listing has been added to the graduate-level course catalogue for the autumn quarter of 2018. It…
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Op-Ed: Well, This Whole Pope Smoke System Is Nutso!
By Priest Geoff May 1, 2018 The Vatican, 1500 A.D. Well, here I was at the Vatican, ready for the best study abroad of all time. I’d been holed up at the seminary…
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Exposed: The 55th Street Fire Station is Actually a Police Station
By Milena Pross April 20, 2018 Suspicious, indeed. After a three year long investigation, the Shady Dealer has concluded that the firehouse located on 55th Street between University and Woodlawn Avenues is not…
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Boss Baby Sweeps the Oscars!
By Shady Dealer Newsdesk Feb. 20, 2018 Boss Baby (AB ’97, MBA ’04) Oscar audiences around the world waited with bated breath as the winner for Best Picture was announced. Many were expecting…
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New Health Trend: Hiring a Sensei to Kick Your Ass
By Nik Varley Jan. 19, 2018 Image by Aubrey Christofersen There’s a new health craze going around, and it’s not what you think! Fed up with demanding diets, cleanses and workout routines, many…
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ISIS Apologizes For Terrorism With Gigantic Wooden Horse
By Ryan Fleishman Oct. 17, 2017 After years of wreaking havoc throughout the Western world with unbridled violence and hatred, the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) has finally announced that they…
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UC Leaks: Robot Under Mansueto Lonely, Depressed
By Alex Morales Aug. 25, 2017 A report titled “Final Overview: Mansueto Systems Anomalies” details a long string of investigations and investments whereinthat were the administration attempteding to restore normal function to the…
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College in Chaos After Every First Year Registers for Honors Analysis
By Mark Trietal Aug. 17, 2017 University officials are reporting overfull classrooms, teacher shortages, and general panic after finding that every member of the class of 2021 has registered for honors analysis. “At…
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“You Can Run but You Can’t Hide!” Screams Chainsaw-Wielding Dean Ellison
By Thomas Noriega May 5, 2017 A peaceful demonstration against the Trump administration ended in chaos as University Dean John “Jay” Ellison ran into the mass of protesteors wielding a Craftsman-brand chainsaw. Ellison,…
