By Ella Hester May 25, 2018   Starting in the 2018-2019 school year, students in the College will have the option of choosing an alternative to the U-PASS: the U-BER. This new program…

By Grorg – Lascaux, 45,000 BCE May 1, 2018 Dear Grorg, Me Want Relationship, But Only Man Around Is Neanderthal. Still hit? From: Cavewoman Seeking Caveman Hello Cavewoman, As somebody who have Neanderthal…

By Jack Toole April 20, 2018 Dear Sir or Madam: It is my wish that you gainfully employ me at your institution. My entire life has been filled with a deep and abiding…

By Megan Parsons Feb. 20, 2018 If you’re a smart shopper, you already know why it’s important to eat organic, free-range ass without additives or artificial preservatives. Personally, I like my ass without…

By Nik Varley Jan. 19, 2018 Are you struggling with dry skin? Nursing an earache? Hounded by stomach bloat? You’ll find all sorts of “western industrial medicines” for these ailments at your local…

By Nik Varley Oct. 17, 2017 At approximately 5:56 p.m., third– year student Matt Crawford reported to the University of Chicago’s Student Health Services seeking treatment for a sizable abdominal wound. Upon examining…

By Leaked Docs Reveal Budgetary Chaos and Ambitious Plans Aug. 25, 2017 On August 8, a CSD reporter from the Dealer identified sSeventy– eight pages of internal uUniversity documents amidst a stack of…

By Elijah Wolter Aug. 17, 2017 A report contained in the documents outlines plans for the construction of a 115-acre state-of-the-art telecommunications complex stretching from Cottage Grove Ave. to Lake Michigan. It did…

By Thomas Noriega April 25, 2017 Jeb(!) Bush Caught Tunneling into White HouseBy Thomas Noriega In the first major security scare of the Trump administration, Secret Service agents recently discovered a series of…

By Chase Harrison April 17, 2017 Returning from an eventful prospie weekend, incoming first year Maximilian Rothman of Downer’s Grove, Illinois could not stop gushing to his parents about all of the new…