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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Airline Passenger Detained For Possession of Lethal Weapon 4

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Reed Thurston May 15, 2017 Muslim Air Passenger Detained For Possession of Lethal Weapon 4 Amid the ongoing turbulence of public concern over the safety of air travel in the United States,…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Trump Surprises Pence, Awards him Presidential Chastity-Belt of Freedom

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Dan Lastres April 21, 2017 Trump Surprises Pence, awards him Presidential Chastity-Belt of Freedom The White House – On Tuesday evening, President Trump surprised Vice President Mike Pence by awarding him the…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Mitch McConnell Announces No Further Bills Will Pass the Senate Until Funding for His Turtle Snacks Is Approved

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Christopher Walker April 10, 2017 Mitch McConnell announces no further bills will pass the senate until funding for his turtle snacks is approvedWASHINGTON D.C –  Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell issued a…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Message from the Editorial Board

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nik Varley March 2, 2017 On February 24th, the Trump administration denied The New York Times, CNN, Politico and other major news outlets access to a major White House press briefing. We…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    There Are Missiles 90 Miles off the Shore of the US and Honestly I’m Kind of Turned On

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By President John F. Kennedy, Washington DC 1962 Feb. 6, 2017 Today, our planet sits onat the verge of global nuclear meltdown. The USSR has placed an unknown number of warheads on the…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    President Trump Holds Press Conference To Read List of Black Friends

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Reed Thurston Feb. 1, 2017 President Trump Holds Press Conference To Read List of Black Friends In the wake of a turbulent and unnerving transition of power, the newly-elected President Donald Trump…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Six Best Sexual Positions On The Israeli Palestine Conflict

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Ryan Fleishman Jan. 17, 2017 1. The Double-State Solution This steamy sexual solution towards one of the greatest geopolitical conflicts of our time has two states pumping at once. While getting a…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Kellogg’s “Rasputin-O’s” Not Selling So Well in Russia

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nico Aldape Nov. 25, 2016 In an attempt to remain a global and healthy cereal brand, Kellogg’s introduced “Rasputin-O’s” in Russia. While expecting the cereal to be a nutritious and delicious hit…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    University Administration Announces New Bullshit, Half Thought-Out Change With No Prior Consultation

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Philip O’Sullivan Nov. 14, 2016 On October 27, 2016, Dean John “Jay” Ellison, Dean of Students in the College, announced his administration’s exciting new bbullshit, half– thought– out changes with noout prior…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Five Reasons Why Air Bud Deserved to win Bob Dylan’s Nobel Prize

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Antonia Salisbury Nov. 7, 2016 4. Air Bud is a philanthropist: Sure Bob Dylan has worked with six major, international charities, but boy was Josh Framm a piece of work. I mean,…

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Read It and Weep

  • New Whig Political Party Objectively Has Stupidest Name
  • This Snake Oil Stuff Is So Good! Really Delicious You Should Try It I’m Climbing The Walls
  • Five Romantic Poets Who Definitely Fucked Your Wife
  • SSRIs Cure Great Depression
  • Say It With Me: Zero-Hours Contract is the Best Contract!
  • Automated Bobbin-Changing Equipment Threatens Job Security of 9-Year-Olds
  • Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg
  • Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”
  • After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”
  • Stephen Cole Kleene Invents Formal Languages, Causing War

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