By Rusty Pecker Aug. 6, 2016 God, I love college so far. The independence, the intellectual rigor, the dollar milkshakes. Shit man, it’s the best. Honestly, my favorite part of it is the…

By Morgan Pantuck Oct. 21, 2015 According to eyewitness reports, area undergraduate Wendy Robinson’s new hygienic rituals have officially ended after only three days of implementation. Robinson, 20, promised herself that she would…

By Chase Harrison May 13, 2016 Citing “irreconcilable differences,” Pro-Israel and Pro-Palestinian groups on campus have agreed to split the campus territory between each other. In a rare joint statement, leaders of the…

By Nik Varley April 26, 2016 In an event that can only be described as a tragedy, area student Sarah McDowell finished her drink while she was only halfway through her meal. The…

By Nico Aldape April 20, 2016 IInspired by the proposedhow the federal government may move of marijuana from a Schedule I to Schedule II controlled substance, which would allow for further recreational use…

By Morgan Pantuck Feb. 18, 2016 Step 1: Be Confident. Using a group room for individual study is an exercise in confidence. Maybe you belong there, maybe you don’t. Fake it till you…

By Mildred Prossmith, 1912 Jan. 22, 2016 Dear Esteemed “Chicago Shady Dealer,” I’m writing to you as a concerned citizen who has been repeatedly turned away from The Chicago Tribune and The New…

By Morgan Pantuck, 2031 Jan. 22, 2016 After several decades of substantial inflation, a recent study sponsored by the United States Department of Education (DOE) recently confirmed that the grades at Harvard University…

By Nik Varley Dec. 31, 2015 Millions of people celebrated the coming of the New Year across this world this past January, and while many of them made resolutions and set goals of…

By Daniel Ruttenberg Nov. 19, 2015 At his presentation at International House on Thursday November 12, many attendees were shocked to see Garry Kasparov slaughter a horse onstage.  Moments after his introduction, Kasparov…