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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Gladiators Herald End of Net Neutrality

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By James Ekstrom (100 BC) Jan. 26, 2014 A decision passed in the Roman Senate has declared the end of the age of “net neutrality” in gladiatorial combat. The decision to implement “net…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Oriental Institute embraces post-colonial terminology; to be Renamed “Institute of Exotic Studies”

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Ayesha Wadhawan Dec. 24, 2013 As part of a comprehensive program of modernization, the University of Chicago’s Oriental Institute has adopted a title more suited to the post-modern era: “The University of…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Poll Results: Half of All First Years Still Anxious about Pooping at School

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Kelly Keough Nov. 9, 2013 A poll conducted by University of Chicago Campus and Student Life has revealed that 50 percent of the incoming Class of 2017 still experiences anxiety over pooping…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    A Plea for Tolerance

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By The Jack Hammer Working on Harper Oct. 20, 2013 TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Tips For Your First Call Home

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Steph Yu Aug. 2, 2013 So you’ve finally flown the coop and driven ten minutes/flown across the country/flown across the world to receive a top-notch education at the University of Chicago. Remember…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Open Forum on Accessibility To Be Held In Rockefeller Tower

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Stephen Lurie May 27, 2013 Following increased campus pressure for improved disability services, the University administration announced on Tuesday an open forum on campus accessibility issues, to be held in the tower…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Tensions Run High at House Council Meeting

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Timi Koyejo April 25, 2013 After a contentious motion was pushed through by a faction of the Booth House Council, tensions abounded this past Sunday, multiple sources reported. “I had always expected…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Dean Boyer to challenge the Gods

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Mark Boykin Feb. 24, 2013 John W. Boyer, Dean of the College at The University of Chicago, has challenged every major and minor deity who exerts influence over natural phenomena to a…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Area man way behind on his telegraph feed

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Chris Deakin Feb. 4, 2013 Having finally returned to the telegraph office after three days of ignoring it, area man George Brittlemeier is reportedly overwhelmed by the number of telegrams left to…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Wyoming pushed out to sea to make room for Puerto Rico

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Hannah Gitlin Jan. 3, 2013 After more than 800,000 Puerto Rican voters voiced support for the island to become the 51st U.S. state, United States lawmakers have determined that “as it stands,…

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Read It and Weep

  • Say It With Me: Zero-Hours Contract is the Best Contract!
  • Automated Bobbin-Changing Equipment Threatens Job Security of 9-Year-Olds
  • Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg
  • Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”
  • After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”
  • Stephen Cole Kleene Invents Formal Languages, Causing War
  • UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals
  • White House Rushes to Explain Correlation Not Causation Following JD Vance Pope Visit
  • Interview: Debate Over Politics Blossoms Into Lifelong Friendship
  • Citizen App Provides Notice About Hyde Park Crimes: Dog Poop on Sidewalk, Premarital Handholding

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