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Gladiators Herald End of Net Neutrality
By James Ekstrom (100 BC) Jan. 26, 2014 A decision passed in the Roman Senate has declared the end of the age of “net neutrality” in gladiatorial combat. The decision to implement “net…
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Oriental Institute embraces post-colonial terminology; to be Renamed “Institute of Exotic Studies”
By Ayesha Wadhawan Dec. 24, 2013 As part of a comprehensive program of modernization, the University of Chicago’s Oriental Institute has adopted a title more suited to the post-modern era: “The University of…
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Poll Results: Half of All First Years Still Anxious about Pooping at School
By Kelly Keough Nov. 9, 2013 A poll conducted by University of Chicago Campus and Student Life has revealed that 50 percent of the incoming Class of 2017 still experiences anxiety over pooping…
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A Plea for Tolerance
By The Jack Hammer Working on Harper Oct. 20, 2013 TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK…
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Tips For Your First Call Home
By Steph Yu Aug. 2, 2013 So you’ve finally flown the coop and driven ten minutes/flown across the country/flown across the world to receive a top-notch education at the University of Chicago. Remember…
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Open Forum on Accessibility To Be Held In Rockefeller Tower
By Stephen Lurie May 27, 2013 Following increased campus pressure for improved disability services, the University administration announced on Tuesday an open forum on campus accessibility issues, to be held in the tower…
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Tensions Run High at House Council Meeting
By Timi Koyejo April 25, 2013 After a contentious motion was pushed through by a faction of the Booth House Council, tensions abounded this past Sunday, multiple sources reported. “I had always expected…
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Dean Boyer to challenge the Gods
By Mark Boykin Feb. 24, 2013 John W. Boyer, Dean of the College at The University of Chicago, has challenged every major and minor deity who exerts influence over natural phenomena to a…
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Area man way behind on his telegraph feed
By Chris Deakin Feb. 4, 2013 Having finally returned to the telegraph office after three days of ignoring it, area man George Brittlemeier is reportedly overwhelmed by the number of telegrams left to…
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Wyoming pushed out to sea to make room for Puerto Rico
By Hannah Gitlin Jan. 3, 2013 After more than 800,000 Puerto Rican voters voiced support for the island to become the 51st U.S. state, United States lawmakers have determined that as it stands,…