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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Student Forgets to Scan ID, Central Shuttle Ignites

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Evan Bernstein Nov. 22, 2013 BREAKING NEWS At approximately 6:04 P.M. Thursday, a UChicago NightRide shuttle bus burst into flames after second-year Devon McLaster forgot to scan his UCID card when boarding.…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Student with Hardest Life Definitely Todd

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Mark Sands Nov. 9, 2013 A massive, longitudinal study has determined that Todd Johnson, a third-year in the College, has live leads thehardest most difficult life of any University of Chicago student.…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    I Can’t Wait To Slaughter The Wellapalooza Puppies For Their Tender Meat

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Lindsey Greeson, Health Educator Oct. 17, 2013 It’s my favorite time of year again: Wellness Week. I’m pumped to go about my day today with just a little more pep. I’ll do…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Study: Over 85% of IM Frisbee Participants Have No Idea What’s Going On

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Zach Augustine June 2, 2013 HYDE PARK—Recent studies suggest that over three-quarters of participants in Coed Intramural Frisbee Leagues “don’t even know how to throw”. Multiple firstyear girls, coerced to play in…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Main Quad Drainage on Par with Peer Institutions

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Zachary Augustine May 6, 2013 Researchers at the new Institute for Data Sets recently finished their four-year study on the state of water drainage in high traffic areas at elite-level institutions. Colleges…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    5,369 Students Mugged at 970 E. 58th Street

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Matthew Goldenberg April 17, 2013 In a shocking spike in the local crime rate, police officials have reported that nearly all 5,000 undergraduate students at the University of Chicago were mugged or…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    2013 State of the Union: Arkansas

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Mark Sands Feb. 11, 2013 The Chicago Shady Dealer has obtained an early version of the address that President Obama will deliver tonight in his much-anticipated State of the Union Address. We…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    “Coffee and Doughnuts without President Zimmer” draws thousands.

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Peter Berkowitz Jan. 13, 2013 After years of dwindling attendance at the quarterly “Coffee and Doughnuts with President Zimmer,” Student Government held its first “Coffee and Doughnuts without President Zimmer” this past…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    President Pardons Two Turduckens in Thanksgiving Ritual

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Matt Montequin Nov. 13, 2012 President Robert Zimmer took to Midway Plaisance on Wednesday for the annual Presidential T?urducken Pardon, surprising onlookers when he chose to spare not one, but two turduckens…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Romney/Ryan Fan-Fiction Hard for Campaign to Swallow

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Maya Handa Oct. 30, 2012 Presidential candidate Willard “Mitt” Romney and running mate Paul “Something Folksy” Ryan announced yesterday in a consensual press conference that they were deeply disturbed to have discovered…

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Read It and Weep

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  • Automated Bobbin-Changing Equipment Threatens Job Security of 9-Year-Olds
  • Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg
  • Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”
  • After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”
  • Stephen Cole Kleene Invents Formal Languages, Causing War
  • UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals
  • White House Rushes to Explain Correlation Not Causation Following JD Vance Pope Visit

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