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Eyes Contact
By Evan Bernstein Feb. 22, 2014 Hark, dear reader, do you know the tale? ’Twas a bright late-winter morn when the sun’s light and the day’s break arose o’er the mountain’s top and…
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List of Under-Appreciated Plagues
By Daniel Betancourt Jan. 24, 2014 10. The Pale Plague, 904-936 – Infecting overbore more than 80% of Europe, the sadly hereditary Pale Plague turned its victims sickeningly pasty and caused them to…
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Breast Cancer Becomes Aware
By Morgan Pantuck Dec. 24, 2013 After decades of painstaking medical research and ardent fundraising efforts, Breast Cancer finally became aware during a thunderstorm last Tuesday morning at 3:52 AM PST. According to…
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Monsanto Launches New GM-O’s Breakfast Cereal
By Alex Hearn Nov. 9, 2013 At this weekend’s Grain and Cereal Convention, the Monsanto Company unveiled “GM-O’s,” its flagship brand in a new line of genetically-modified breakfast cereals. “We at Monsanto are…
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Well-dressed hipster in your SOSC class died in 1953
By Simon Stanco Oct. 18, 2013 Officials in the University of Chicago Supernatural Care and Radio-Ectoplasmology Department (UCSCARED), after investigating numerous reports of an almost translucently pale hipster attending SOSC classes, have revealed…
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Undergrad Begins Quest For Truth
By Zach Augustine Aug. 2, 2013 Incoming first-year Sally Danderson is determined to finally solve not one but several of the vital issues that have been plaguing philosophy for all of recorded human…
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Good Thing Nearly Allowed to Happen
By Daniel Moattar May 23, 2013 WASHINGTON, CHICAGO, NEW YORK, LOS ANGELES, JOHANNESBURG, TOKYO, NEW DELHI, CAIRO, SHANGHAI, BUENOS AIRES, SAO PAULO, JERUSALEM, BEIRUT – A consistent pattern of global economic, social, and…
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The Chicago Shady Dealer endorses Slate Slate
By Editorial Board April 23, 2013 The University of Chicago has a rocky road ahead. Recently, our school has been rocked by a number of scandals, and we can’t afford to remain sedimentary…
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Editorial: What’s the curve on this nuclear test?
By Kim Jong-un Feb. 24, 2013 Professor? Hey, professor? I was just wondering – about that test last week? Yeah, the nuclear test. We had to set off the device underground and everything…
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I admittedly have no idea what this says
By Arabic Court Scribe Feb. 4, 2013 Medina, Muslim Empire, 651 A.D./30 A.H.: Greetings, Commander of the Believers. I know you’ve been a busy man lately, minting the first Islamic coins, sending an…
