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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Griffin Bonnin Jones, Andrea Zhou

Managing Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Deputy Managing Editor

Vivian Psylos

Layout Editor

Justin Bilenker

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Nik Ochoa, Chase Teichholz

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Area Student Doing Pretty Well at Facebook

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nik Varley Dec. 31, 2015 Sources close to area student Todd Braxton confirmed today that the local teen is “doing pretty well on Facebook.” Braxton’s friend Steve Ackerman elaborated. “Things are really…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Let’s Talk Honestly About Women’s Body Image Issues

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Anna Newport Nov. 17, 2015 Since the brink of modernity, we have made great strides in dealing with women’s body image issues — Spanx, the color black, Retinol cream. But Lladies, can’t…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Donald Trump Announces Presidential Victory

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Reed Thurston Nov. 11, 2015 In a shocking turn of political events, presidential candidate Donald Trump announced at a press hearing last friday that he has pre-emptively won the race for the…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    First Year Shocked to Lose 2019 Class Council Race After Convincing Chalk Drawings

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Chase Harrison Oct. 21, 2015 As the fourth and final winner of the 2019 Class Council Race was announced, an audible gasp was heard throughout Ida Noyes Hall. Matt Newson had not…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Rattling Radiator Actually Maintenance Worker Trapped in Wall

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Grace Quigley Oct. 11, 2015 The search for Leo Fox ended late Thursday evening when the 43-year-old was found inside the wall of Maclean residence hall behind what was previously thought to…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    So You’ve Challenged Your RA to a Fight to the Death

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Teddy Zamborsky Aug. 1, 2015 Well, it is best that you accept that this is happening. I’m sure you consulted your house constitution to see what kind of fight is officially sanctioned.…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Study: Fear of Snakes “Totally Reasonable”

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Daniel Moattar May 26, 2015 Study: Fear of Snakes “Totally Reasonable”The fear of snakes is a completely sensible reaction to environmental factors, including extreme fucking deadliness and terrifying goddamn slithery noisesResearchers at…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    It Happened to Me: My Palm Reader Was a Murderer

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Laniel Dastres April 26, 2015 It isn’t everyday that you can pay a small fee to have a stranger inform your life and career decisions with visions of the future. That’s why…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Will The Circle Be Unbroken? An Analysis of the Daytona 500

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Sam Taylor March 1, 2015 RACING. FAST. CAR BOYS. FAST. RACING. AMEN. The 2015 Cup Series rumbled to life this past weekend with the Daytona 500, as NASCAR fans around the country…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Oh God, Oh No, A Train!

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Evan Bernstein Feb. 1, 2015 PARIS 1986 – A review of the Lumière brothers’ The Arrival of a Train at La Ciotat Station Oh God oh Jesus oh no oh God everybody…

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Read It and Weep

  • Religious Studies Class Taught by Pope Leo XIV Cancelled Due to Federal Cuts
  • Trump accidentally destroys East Wing of Woodlawn
  • All Microeconomics 101 Students Swapped into Beginner Akkadian in Add-Drop Fiasco
  • First Year Formally Reprimanded for Failing to Intellectualize Homesickness
  • University to introduce affirmative action for guys named Sean (Shaun and Shawn excluded)
  • In his second memoir, “Ignore My First One,” Vance reveals that the root of his anger toward Zelensky was his thick lashes.
  • 12 Days of UChicago Finals
  • LA Dodgers Fan finds out the Dodgers are a Baseball team and not a Hat Company
  • 5 Movies to Reject the Christmas Spirit while still saying you’re watching a Christmas Movie
  • Catholic Family Realizes They’re Nation’s Last Practitioners of the Advent Wreath; Experts Confirm the Three Kings Are “Not Coming, Don’t Wait Up”

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