By Walker King April 20, 2014 Totino’s Pizza Rolls were provided for residents at May House study break this Sunday for the second week in a row, an anomaly many residents attribute to…

By Matthew Goldenberg Feb. 22, 2014 In a speech Monday, Pope Francis decreed that infanticide is the only form of birth control that the world’s 1.2 billion Catholics are permitted to use. As…

By Maximilian Rochester, Theatre Critic (April 15, 1865) Jan. 24, 2014 Americans across our great union are mourning today for the loss of a strong and noble leader who has carried us through…

By Evan Bernstein Nov. 22, 2013 BREAKING NEWS At approximately 6:04 P.M. Thursday, a UChicago NightRide shuttle bus burst into flames after second-year Devon McLaster forgot to scan his UCID card when boarding.…

By Mark Sands Nov. 9, 2013 A massive, longitudinal study has determined that Todd Johnson, a third-year in the College, has live leads thehardest most difficult life of any University of Chicago student.…

By Lindsey Greeson, Health Educator Oct. 17, 2013 It’s my favorite time of year again: Wellness Week. I’m pumped to go about my day today with just a little more pep. I’ll do…

By Zach Augustine June 2, 2013 HYDE PARK—Recent studies suggest that over three-quarters of participants in Coed Intramural Frisbee Leagues “don’t even know how to throw”. Multiple firstyear girls, coerced to play in…

By Zachary Augustine May 6, 2013 Researchers at the new Institute for Data Sets recently finished their four-year study on the state of water drainage in high traffic areas at elite-level institutions. Colleges…

By Matthew Goldenberg April 17, 2013 In a shocking spike in the local crime rate, police officials have reported that nearly all 5,000 undergraduate students at the University of Chicago were mugged or…

By Mark Sands Feb. 11, 2013 The Chicago Shady Dealer has obtained an early version of the address that President Obama will deliver tonight in his much-anticipated State of the Union Address. We…